Gemini 4° (May 23)

 

I think this is day five which is great. My dreams are still fucking nuts. I’ll come back to that. Maybe. I think yesterday was enough dream to go on. One weird thing in my dream I should jot down was we were having a gathering and then some of us went out for a bit and we happened on this couple, man and woman, who were Sioux, and they were hanging out in this pond in which there were crawfish. We got in the pond. I remember that my friend Christina was there and also some old New York friends and also Mike Nats. We were smoking weed and drinking and lost track of time. And S. was waiting back at the house which, somehow, was this apartment building in a familiar dream location that is a hybrid of Cambridge and New York. We arrived back and we missed dinner. I remember now it was three in the morning, so we were gone a really long time. I didn’t have my key to get back in the building but Christina had one and I said/liked that she had my key, that I had given my own for her to have a copy—I wanted that key (back). We got in the building and there was a weird modish, Cambridge like lobby reception and S. had come down the elevator and she wasn’t angry at all surprisingly and she had some bad news to tell me which was our agent was dropping us for no apparent reason. More PDST from being in publishing. I woke up from the dream and S. was waking up to from one. We chatted for a while. She fell back it took me longer. I had another marathon dream from which I woke but I’ve no idea what it was now. We rose about six and had breakkie in the living room and an impromptu meeting which put us very much on the same page which is nice. I am trying to decide which order to do things today. I will definitely finish up all my banking. I put some edits into the branding project so I expect to get that back. I think I will spend the afternoon preparing for our Monday meeting so tomorrow I can get right into the book process. I may end up articulating a lot of what needs to happen on Monday in today’s Blague, if you don’t mind. Ha!

Listening to Led Zep Physical Graffiti and working on my budgets. Contacted a few friends because I’m not going to wait around. I had a realization and I wrote the following to a mutual friend: Someone recently said something not earth shattering something like “the way people treat you is up to you” and that is so effing true. I thought immediately of Dreger. Sophomore year when he was tripping and kept throwing himself into iron fences, when I saw a weird shadow on his leg where the shouldn’t have been one, reaching out to touch blood; phone to 911 in the crook of my neck them giving me instructions to stick as many fingers as I could into his gaping wound and keep them there until they arrived, interminable wait, saving his life as he ended up losing so much blood he had a transfusion. And then he didn’t speak to me for months while he came out of his bad-trip stupor. Always including him, taking him to dinner when my parents would visit, inviting him home for school holidays. And then he moved to Hoboken/Jersey City where I was and I got him art shows and later gigs for musical performances and asked him to be my best man when the fact is he was never fucking nice to me and never treated me well and always ignored me when other friends were around. And it’s true, it is my fault that he treated me this way. He would call us for favors and come for dinners and I was always there for him. I let him live in my apartment in the West Village when I would go away. And yet he always acted disdainful toward me, again, mostly when you and other mutual friends were around. I remember him saying that I actually played guitar well but I shouldn’t let you or other people “in the jam” know he said it because you would be jealous. Why am I saying all of this now? Because that comment he put up name-checking you all when we went to that Dead-Dylan concert but of course leaving my name off; I realized this is exactly why I stopped being his friend full-stop after he wouldn’t miss that opportunity to twist a knife (throwing Abby under the bus in the process). He is a fucking ingrate and always has been. He was the worst friend to me and I accepted that I guess because I thought my friendship wasn’t worth more. All he ever did was take and never even gave more than a reluctant mumbled thanks. I don’t know anything about him now, but man I gotta tell you I don’t want to know. What a miserable fucking misanthrope and, I’ll say it, miscreant, being formed by his own dubious, sour disdain. Never once since I friended him on the Facebook machine has he reached out to me to ask me a single fucking thing about my life or what I’m doing. Because he doesn’t fucking care and he never fucking did and I am the hands down asshole for ever expecting that vacuum of a human to do anything but to totally suck. I’m glad I saved his life. I’m glad he’s alive (if indeed he wants to be); perhaps his disdain for me is a subconscious punishment for having brought him back from near death. As myth and legend would have it, he was never the same since that experience. The glimmer of the kind sort of (dare I say Christian) hippy coffee house sensitive kid that showed up at Warren Towers freshman year was indeed dead from that trippy moment in the first weeks of sophomore year. I am ditching him once and for all from my contacts, thinking of it as a ritual sacrifice whereby I end any patterning that there might be in my psyche where I accept this sort of shadow version of friendship that puts the message out there that I don’t deserve better than to have friends (and a best fucking man? What was I thinking?) who can barely disguise the fact the he doesn’t even like me. Good. He shouldn’t like me because he isn’t up to the task, responsibility and I’ll say honor of being my friend. And with that I end this rant. Leave it to isolation to allow me, once and for all, to not be distracted to certain home truths that are coming home to roost. It is up to me what others think of me and from this moment forward that Dreger entity shouldn’t think anything of me at all. And if he does, it is none of my fucking business. The story of our knowing one another has officially ended. I’m embarrassed at the fact that I ever attempted to be friends with that creature.

Wow did that ever feel good. I am so, so done with this kind of dynamic in my life and I ask you to scan your own existence for any semblance of this. I have repeated this pattern many times in my life, put up with people who privately need me as their friend but who, when others are looking, do not honor that bond. It hasn’t really factored in of late because why would it; well, what I mean to say is that I really don’t’ have contact with this particular person; but I let him be a friend on social media which was truly a huge mistake. Trust me friend (I’m talking to you) I’m not unhappy right now about any of this. I am actually quite thrilled to finally have come to this realization. It is nearly forty years in the making, this realization. And I kind of do thank the isolation of late for this gift of slow epiphany; and now I will spend the next hour and twenty minutes putting together some notes regarding the meeting we have set up for Monday, which will be incredibly comprehensive, but not too deep so I don’t have to focus too hard on that aspect of it all. I just need to be sweeping which means gathering a slew of documents together and start to work my way through, which is super fun. I’ve pretty much covered everything. The only issue everything is written everywhere. That’s enough for today. Oh, and I got through al my petty cash receipts for the past five months. Not too bad!

 

The following blocks of texs are exceprts from my first year of  Blagues, nos. 311-15  I am reading through all my Blagues, five per day, and posting some samples here. Now, in my sixth year of writing this Blague, but the time I get to my seventh, I will have through all the daily Blagues of my first five years. If that’s confusing I apologize:

And still: There was nothing worth posting from the five older Blagues I read today. It has been really helpful to get an idea of what the content has been over the last five years. The first year was very much about the Sabian Symbols (see below), the bulk of that material I don’t want to post in this slot. And I’m nearly through that year so, once I get into the Blagues from 2016, there will be a lot more to post here (which is a good thing because I won’t have time to write a lot à la minute as we just got a new book deal and that is where my effort and attention is going!

To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree point of the Sabian Symbol may at times be one degree higher than the one listed here. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°,  for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period. There are 360  degrees spread over 365/6 days per year—so they nearly, but not exactly, correlate.

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go!
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