Taurus 3° (April 23)

Met with realtor/landlord and got everything signed and delivered. It turns out I can do as much as I like in terms of cosmetic changes which is pretty cool. Went to the cottage in the afternoon and moved a bunch of things and have a handle on some basic renovation. Went over to Greg’s house to get codes for entry and wifi. He was complimentary which was nice. I suddenly came to conclusion I won’t be living where I am once May 16 comes around. How did that escape my brain? Had lovely Zoom chat with Dom + Nan. Heard all about India. They had been to Goa before, which I vaguely remember knowing. I would love to travel again. I would love to find a friend with whom I could travel. People drop out. Dave, Bon. All the people that were there at the beginning eventually fall away. I suppose it’s normal. I am looking to the people in my life currently who are the real angels. I still can’t believe how vilified I’ve become. I was telling Dom and Nan that I don’t really feel that I’ve changed very much at all over the years. 

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2022 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Taurus 2° (April 22)

Went to the storage and then to the cottage and dropped a few things off. Wrestled vacuum cleaner out of storage which is great but took forever. Went to meet Len but his partner had fallen, and the paramedics were there. It was pretty shocking. 

A woman born to the premier masculine sign, Aries doesn’t so much embody but employ its cardinal-firesignature. She may appear coolly removed, but she starts little fires everywhere. Like her Aries brother, she draws on warrior archetypes, Athena chief among them, endowed as Aries might be with her divine tact, diplomacy and strategy. Athena was born in full adult form and armor; and the themes of identity, autonomy and a certain defensiveness loom large in Aries’ life. The paradox of being a woman in this most macho sign makes Aries the original feminist from birth, which, along with all new beginnings, is ruled by the sign, which also rules the head as befits the ram. From the jump Aries enters every endeavor, head first; but it’s the sign’s rulership of the face that most concerns her, identity and image. The horn shape of the sign’s symbol also recalls the nose and brow, a nod to Athena’s vast wisdom, her totem being the owl. She is goddess of crafts as well as the helm just as Aries aims to employ all her mad skills in piloting her own ship, to go her own way. Other Aries archetypes include Lilith, the biblical Rachel, Medusa, snake goddesses like Inanna, the Amazons, Arya Stark and Jo March, fierce female figures unafraid to go it alone, particularly when faced with an oppressive patriarchy.

For Aries, a strong identity means independence, which is the desired goal for her in this incarnation. The ironic kicker being that Aries requires a lot of support in order for her to be a soloist pioneer in the world. For this she must especially rely on sisterhood. Aries is an anthropologist at her core, a keen observer of human behavior, something that can manifest in myriad number of ways. She has a steely approach toward the game of life, which she is determined to win, a sore loser when things don’t go to plan. She can be prone to tantrums, which she must work to temper. She must specialize, mastering a specific craft that furthers the social discourse, positioning herself as an agent for change. Mentors play a huge part in her development and, when operating at a high vibrational level, she will ultimately take on that role to others. She is ideally a champion of champions, working her own agenda through the efforts of those she’s groomed in her image. She can be something of an intellectual snob and is hard-pressed to cultivate tolerance for those she doesn’t consider as sharp as she is. This is a special challenge for her as a parent, where she can play obvious favorites, fostering those she deems most fit for successful survival.

For Aries, people have their purposes, and despite power and positivity in this, I prescribe expanding her understanding of those who people her world. She must divine the difference between providing patronage and plain old using others as pawns. In significant others she is drawn to docile characters, those with nary a domineering bone in their body, which can be surprising. There is benefit in her being more aspirational in love relationships instead of pairing with obvious underachievers out of fear being overshadowed or eclipsed. Spiritually she is a natural poster child for self-reliance, typically not one to outsource higher power.

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2022 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Taurus 1° (April 21)

Stumbling upon this entry nearly a year later, I find no entry whatsoever. I know the feeling of what was going on as I had just taken on a little job to stop the hemorrhaging. I think back on this time and have a pretty good feeling. It will prove untenable in the end of course. That’s really all I will or need to say.

The first and sole male cardinal-fire sign, Aries embodies “big bang” energy—initiatory, combustive—ruled by Mars, for the war god, the masculine principle. Aries energy is directive, objective and objectifying, singular and purposeful. The horned Ram and phallic, “spear-toting” Mars symbols both speak to Aries’ impetuous, urgent, headstrong nature, ever on the attack. This unbridled energy requires harnessing, restraint and introspection—not his strong suits. His raw warrior spirit must be channeled into championing solo causes that also benefit the common good. Designed to quest and conquer, he draws on alpha-male archetypes from Adam and warring Mars/Ares to Jason and Lancelot, Superman to Tony Stark, all of whose stories provide parables for Aries’ life path, principles, penchants, peccadillos, perks and pitfalls. 

Aries man is Id personified; pure, primal impulse, often conflicting with his own, and the larger cultural, Superego. Being himself and “knowing thyself” are opposed in his personality—he is thus challenged to divine a powerline in this polarization. One might say he is “called” to do so; wording that would appeal to his self-perspective. In what may strike others as delusion, Aries tends to consider himself on a mission in life, if not the gods’ gift to humanity. The sign of Aries rules birth (to age seven) and every kind of new beginning. Aries personifies the concept of birthright. Mars rules the blood and muscle, and Ram man conflates desired aims and goals with their being “in his blood” to achieve. As for a newborn babe, life is foremost and forever a fight for survival, if not a bloody affair. The two colors of Aries are white and red, like the two types of blood cells, a dual nod to that hero in the white hat he fancies himself and a propensity to “see red” and ram his singular agenda onto a larger one, any casualties of doing so be damned. Another dichotomy: When you’re a lone ranger in life by nature, it is most challenging to understand when you are alienating others.

Aries man is spiritually designed for direct connections on that score in the cultivation of upper-case Self, and benefits most from a Zen approach to life. Without going against his natural grain to attack life and make indelible marks, I prescribe cultivating detachment, treading as lightly as possible in his life pursuits. In relationships, he is challenged notto objectify a partner. He can suck all the oxygen out of the room and treat others as props in his production of self. He must learn to operate his own off-switch and find the sweet spot between a laudable impetus to prove himself and realize his goals, and an overbearing tendency to ride roughshod, which can lay waste to golden opportunities on offer. Aries’ singular path calls for perceiving himself to be enough, as is, at any given point, tempering an irrepressible need to further prove himself. Being less hard on himself, he will better treat others, significant ones specifically.

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2022 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Taurus 0° (April 20)

I am getting some identity established and don’t it feel good. I am now that much more established as a business entity which I find fantastic. I will visit the storage and the new cottage which has been cleaned and does look that much better I must say. My goal is to wave as much of a wand over it as I possibly can. I have paint chips to show and I will make a list of things that hopefully will be tackled to make my summer cottage something special. Anyway I am moving things through as best I can do. Despite the plea for anonymity in working where I am, it turns out that it isn’t at all anonymous—I have seen about fifty people I know there so far. They mostly seem surprised to see me which is certainly understandable. Some people have “sorry” expressions on their faces which I find funny. Others act as if there is no glitch, like I’ve worked there the whole time. It’s actually kind of entertaining.

The generally most self-serving and least self-aware, Aries man is Id personified; pure, primal impulse, thus in conflict with both his own, and the cultural, superego. Being himself and “knowing thyself” are opposed in his personality—he is thus challenged to divine a powerline in this polarization. One might say he is “called” to do so; at least wording it that way would greatly appeal to his human condition. In what often strikes others as delusion, Aries man tends to feel that he is on a special mission in life, the gods’ gift to humanity, in one way or other. So speeding his trip along a desired life path, it’s best to present his predicaments to him in this context, to make prescriptions accordingly. As the first sign, Aries rules birth (through age seven) and every kind of new beginnings. Aries man personifies the notion of birthright, his planet Mars ruling the blood and muscle—the Ram man conflates desired aims and goals with their accomplishment being “in his blood;” and, like an eternally new born babe, life is foremost a fight for pure, sole survival, if not a potentially bloody affair. The two colors governed by the sign are white and red, like the two types of blood cells, a dual nod to that pure, good-guy hero who always finishes first, and a tendency to “see red” and ram his singular agenda onto a larger one, the casualties of doing so be damned. Another dichotomy: When you’re a lone ranger in life by nature, it is most challenging to understand when you are alienating others. Some chapter synopsis:

Just as Aries man is spiritually designed for direct connections on that score in the cultivation of upper-case Self, he likewise benefits most from, for lack of a better term, a Zen approach to life. Without going against his nature to attack experience, achieving quests and conquests, making indelible marks, I prescribe cultivating detachment, treading as lightly as he can—in umbrella terms, this characterizes the whole of his life pursuit. In relationships, especially, Aries man is most challenged not to objectify a partner, in any number of ways, perceiving all others as near actual props in Aries’ production and presentation of self, which he often doesn’t realize strikes the rest of us as performative. He thus must learn to operate his own off-switch, to allow himself to discover the sweet spot between a laudable impetus to prove himself and a rash, overbearing inability to employ restraint, for love or money, to avoid riding roughshod over others, too often laying waste to golden opportunities on offer. Aries’ particular path of being requires considering himself to be enough as is, every step of the way. Being less hard on himself translates to treating others, significant ones specifically, in kind….

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2022 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Aries 29° (April 19)

Last night went pretty well except I accidentally took home a piece of technical equipment. I wrote to S. today about book chapters and also client outreach. We shall see. I’m continuing the outreach as best I can, in earnest. I had a ridiculous text from Amy and decided to block her and totally end all forms of communication. Done and dusted. Made a bunch of food to last the next few days and catching up on banking and so forth. I am repeating yesterday’s menu to the letter meanwhile as I hate wasting ingredients in the fridge. I’ve barely eaten these past few days and hoping it will start to show somehow. I still have twenty lbs to go and would be happy to do it very slow now. I had a weird forwarded letter from S. in mailbox asking me to deal with a lawyer thing from two years ago. Why she can’t just cope herself is beyond me, especially as it was addressed to her, but whatever. I have to synopsize chapters and it’s proving really difficult.

Born under the sole cardinal-fire sign, Aries man embodies the “big bang” energy of this sign—initiatory, directive, combustive—ruled by planet Mars, the masculine principle in astrology. Aries man’s default perspective is objective(objectifying), self-motivated, singular and purposeful. The horned Ram symbol, and that of phallic, “spear-toting” Mars, speak to Aries’ pointed, headstrong personality, being on the attack in life. His is an unbridled energy that requires harnessing and circumspection, not his natural strong suit. Aries man embodies the raw warrior who must hone his energy into that of the hero, knight in shining armor. His archetype set includes the biblical Adam, the classic Mars/Ares war god along with the questing Jason, Lancelot, Superman, Iron Man/Tony Stark, all of which provide parables for Aries man’s life path, principles, penchants, peccadillos, perks and pitfalls. It is Aries’ birthright to be a true champion and to synch his self-serving energy with that of the greater good, winning the right to wear his proverbial white hat. His is the purest “hero’s journey” of all the signs, and for him it is an all-or-nothing pursuit. The paradox of his experience is that, for all his natural outward directed energy designed to attack external goals, he must trailblaze introspective inroads toward understanding his impetus and motivations, which, of all the signs, is no easy feat. He has a near pathological inability to take things, on all levels, in every way. 

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2022 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Aries 28° (April 18)

It is in some way pathetic that I spent my day off at work but I’m glad I did in the end. I managed to get some additional questions asked; and also it kept me from feeling too lonely. I am forming this weird habit of waking at four, trying to knock myself back out for a couple of hours, and then falling back and sleeping for two or three more. It’s not healthy, I know; but it is apparently what I need right now. The Amy situation is spinning out of control. Wow, was that ever a mistake. I also get admonishing emails about money from someone whose guidance I sought before the fact. Man, I gotta tell you, I come to the understanding that I am way more functional than I thought in comparison. And all the things I didn’t have to do for myself, those which were blown up to gigantic proportion, actually take about five minutes a day, in a flow, to accomplish. I am accused of lying about one thing; now I realize others lie about everything all the time. There is a feeling emerging that entails liking how I do things. I always have but it was never truy appreciated. I am efficiency incarnate as well as being a creative driver. I’m also cook and cleaner and errand boy and administrator and bookkeeper and charity worker and fucking mensch. I am not like others. I do not need to surround myself with rich people so to pretend I am one. I’m not. And never was. That is not a lesson, unlike others, I need to learn. I have put in the work and outsourced the perks. Agents and such prefer the other person even though I am the generator of the work being represented. I rub people the wrong way. That should be the first line of anything I say on stage. I’m just one of those people. Oh well. Training is over and I’m now on my own on the work front and the gods are playing jokes on me, likely for a reason. There are even computer glitches that cause problems with me and the ones behind the line. Three decades ago it would have sent me into a tizzy, but I’m really too old to give a shit. If someone wants to look at me even the slightest bit sideways, I will be out the door. I need for nothing from “nobody.” The owner was right: it is a dysfunctional family, but for the most part people are really very nice indeed. There was a bit of a sign and J.C. and Kev were there tonight and it turns our Kev owns a place where I’ll be “summering.” Ha! That’s a laugh. Anyway nice to know there will be someone on the property. Soon the fish and produce market will be open. I will go to the beach. There are glimmers. Still I have to move again in less than two-week’s time, I am dealing with the adjustment to this new yob, I have a smashed in car from a hit and run in a parking lot (thanks), I am moving house (again) all while simultaneously trying to find closure of the colossal type (cue Sinead O’Connor’s Last Day of our Acquaintance).  It’s a lot. Managed to make it through the entire day on a grilled cheese sandwich and cup of escarole soup. 

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2022 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Aries 27° (April 17)

Easter and I thought it would be okay. It isn’t. Didn’t sleep at all last night and just spent the entire day crying my eyes out. Why should a day like Easter even matter to me—it’s weird. In earliest childhood, having to wear outfits like velvet green short pants and matching jacket with scratchy green knee socks and awfully tight shoes, the holiday was spent at Auntie Margie’s in Lyndhurst, New Jersey. Driving from Jersey City to Lyndhurst was like the opening credits of The Soprano’s. I decide to spend Easter watching the show from the beginning. And it’s even more triggering, to pun intended (Guns, trigger, get it? Never mind.). The entire landscape of that show, from the pork store to the ubiquitous cemeteries were a constant in my youth. On top of which the casting director, for whom I worked for a spell, and many of my fellow acting friends who went on to the success I never experienced, populated that show. Michael, Aida, Drea, Ventimiglia and a slew of others. I always felt I had the rights to be part of that show but whatever it wasn’t my fate. And I wasn’t going to play a tough guy any time soon despite my pretty amazing Brando impersonation. I’m home alone thinking about my youth with its many family members all of whom are now gone. I am totally alone and feel it most even on a holiday for which I have zero surface affinity. Maybe Jesus exists somewhere deeper inside me but, speak about “why have you forsaken me?” the theme is near ridiculous today. So screw it. I have this weird new marinara soaked family supposedly so I throw on “Sunday clothes” and head to the scene of my recent criminal punishment. I have pappardelle with lamb ragu and a glass of something, I should remember. Anyway at least now I feel as if I did something Eastery.

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2022 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Aries 26° (April 16)

Tried to sleep most of the day and succeeded quite nicely. I had brought home a meal last evening which I didn’t eat so I had a giant lunch of salmon, asparagus and mashed potatoes, and then back for another giant nap, before heading “back to Jamaica.” I am informed that after today I’m on my own and I start on Monday. I’m a bit freaked out because it is a lot to handle quite frankly. I think I’m doing a good job. I feel as if I am. At the same time I really don’t care. The point is I am doing what is necessary to stave off any more hemorrhaging. I can’t believe I spelled that correctly. I only have two weeks in this place which is hard to believe. I truly hope I can come back next year. If not I will find a way to spend the winter in Europe maybe. There are other places here to be, probably, but it is proving to be not that much worth it. I’m bringing home some lamb lollipops which are very tasty indeed. Also a Caesar, which I won’t eat until tomorrow. The process of getting into the new place early isn’t materializing as promised but what can you do. Tomorrow will be the last major holiday of the calendar year where I have had to cope with. I feel weirdly guilty that I didn’t get song stuff back to Kip, but you never know, it may happen. I reached out to crazy Amy after all these years and I did get a response but it was so immediately loaded and victimy and hostile that I had to immediately pull back. I learn from social media that so many more people have taken sides than I suspected. Hey, it is what it is. And I am who I am and I am so not going to feel bad about that. I don’t expect to hear back from anyone named Ken anytime soon. I have reached out to D.M. but that seems to be at a kind of dead end still too. I am so sick of being blamed for stuff you’ve no idea. Anyway, this is the point of doing this job I think. It feels like penance on every level.

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2022 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Aries 25° (April 15)

Talk about eating humble pie, good lord. Anyway, I’m doing it. The clothes I bought don’t really fit so that was a waste. On an up note I am proud of myself for all my follow through. I am having Escarole Soup only before heading to the yob. Culture shock on top of it all. I feel really debased. There was no reason for this. None at all. The level of ruination is beyond the pale. And there is no way to even express that because it results in complete communication breakdown, which is the constant state of affairs in any case. I am trying to get to a place where, well, ultimately all is friendly; but the fact is I know realize that I will have to go through my own spate of anger and embargo. After all these years to be left like this with near zero resource after all I’ve contributed, slapping two names on every project for the last twenty years. Well, that was dumb. I should have looked out for number one and I didn’t do that. Well, I’m ready to make a change. I sent proposal to the radio station. I sent proposal to Provincetown arts. I’ve done all I can do. Had a nice long post-work talk with E. L. into the week hours whichh was really quite nice. We are both going through struggles. 

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2022 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Aries 24° (April 13-14)

I didn’t leave the house Wednesday. I did binge watch all of Winning Time, up to the present. It’s a pretty great show. Danny B. is in it and does a good job. Made a salad of cucumber, feta and tomato, with herbs; otherwise just ate hummus and crackers. I am a bit nervous about the job situation but I’m just going to keep forging ahead. That’s what coffee is for in any case. The big inhale before the plunge. I will head to Hyannis on Thursday and do some shopping on that score and pick up dry cleaning and take myself to lunch in Eastham—crab cakes and Caesar, which weren’t all that great. I will see Raina which is nice. It’s been ages. 

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2022 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved.