I guess it’s pretty Virgo to feel disillusioned with the world and with oneself. I am not feeling good today and I don’t know where to place the blame. On myself, yes, I know. But I’m also tired of blaming me. Other people work hard and get breaks. Why have I yet to figure out how to take a break. Even when I’m on a holiday I am playing some kind of catch up or otherwise working between times. It really sucks. I’ve been on my own for so long and I feel like I’m in high-alert mode for survival all the time. I’m not talking about material things although right now I don’t feel much like being around people who have the proverbial all. And I certainly don’t need to watch them perform their own prosperity shows. The only thing I can say fairly definitively is that I still tend to be the smartest person in the room; but I’m tired of also being the most sensitive on so many levels. Hey this is really helping to get this shit out. Because I just got a glimpse of what I might like to do…
I remember in the late eighties I was on a real spiritual trip. I was reading the Vedas and Upanishads and all that jazz (for fun). I really wanted enlightenment. It was a goal. Everything was ahead of me. I might have had that brilliant acting career—for me the chance to express myself via that craft which I loved so much (to be clear I never thought about “making it” in terms of fame or money); perhaps that’s why I never did. It was tough knocking on agents doors and dealing with the constant rejection. I think I buffered myself through all that by reading. I didn’t have a career. I had jobs. I went to them and I left them. I smoked a lot of pot probably. I didn’t drink in those days out of choice–the first, not the last, time I took a break from alcohol for clarity. I didn’t feel I needed to do it as much as I wanted to. All this to say that I feel a bit full circle. Not on the alcohol front although that might be part of it. I’ve been super abstemious as of late, after a year of enjoying some good wines. I take natural breaks. I suppose I always have. And it feels good to clear out. Just as it feels good sometimes to indulge. To everything there is a season.
I feel pretty exhausted lately. Not sure what that’s about. Not fatigues, but exhausted. Like I can barely hold my head up at times. I should probably get my blood pressure checked. It might actually be too low. And, to add to the mix, I woke up with a horrible head cold so there is that. But no rest for the weary as I have a day full of clients and promotion work for the festival. And I should be working on some creative bits on that score but I just can’t find the funny in me right now. It’s all I can do to maintain a positive attitude which is typically quite a cinch. I will admit I’m bummed that not all my expected fundraising came through this year. People love to say they love what I do but when it comes time for even small shows of monetary support these same folks do tend to take a powder. It is particularly irksome in Ptown where people will say they’re strapped but then walk around from bar to restaurant to bar spending loads of dough on crap food and pricey drinks. But what can you do. You can’t berate them for it or even give it much of a second thought. I suppose my only goal today is to take a deep metaphoric inhale that might constitute a second wind, because for the most part I feel as if it’s been knocked out of me.
Also I lost my signature Persol sunglasses as I do every year and it has put me in a mood. I had put them together in a little hug with my cheapo No. 1 readers and left them at a friends house where I was for a dinner party. The readers were still there but the sunglasses had somehow uncoupled from them. I dunno, people. I just don’t know.
Typos happen—I don’t have time or an intern to edit.*
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