Capricorn 22° (January 12)

Linguine alla Vongole at Sal’s. Sophia and friend actually sat with me. They are both painting restorers. And they gave me a ride home which was great. Doodle loodle loo Doodle loodle loo. What is still clear a year on is that it doesn’t get better. I think about her and our life pretty much all day every day. This second holiday season alone was even more difficult than last year. I realize I was still in shock last year and the marriage wasn’t officially over and there was no third party in the picture. What is positive is that I am pretty much caught up to myself now, there are no papers left hanging around, and I have a to-do list that is growing and should provide me the proper scaffolding to claw my way out of this tragedy. And it is a tragedy. There is no comparison. One of us planned this for a very long time, denying this was the plan even when directly confronted; if only that could have been an opportunity to talk this all through and perhaps take this to a counselor with the goal of consciously uncoupling; if only that could have been the way this went, but it wasn’t. Instead the plan was to leave the country with the aid of a billionaire friend who I lost in the bargain. I’ve actually lost a lot of people who meant the world to me. And as someone who has no family at all in the world, it has been so incredibly devastating. As I say, writing from the future, it is a year later and nothing is better; if anything things feel so much worse, because the shock has worn off and now I feel only the pain. But the thing is when one leaves the country and gets set up in the most expensive area of the most expensive city in the world, filled with all our best mutual friends and the funds, apparently, to live in such a way while making no money but instead going back to school for another masters degree. I spent three years of my life picking up the slack so that she could get her first one. Not that this mattered when we were a pair, it was something I was happy to do. But the fact is I already did the bulk of bringing home the bacon; every word of everything created under our brand was created by me; I encouraged her also to write her own show, helping a bit to shape some of it, producing it in Provincetown, New York and Cambridge; there were so many clues in that show about where things were going; the solo endeavoring with the schooling being the main tell. But the point I’m trying to make is: If a person plans their “escape” and puts out a narrative that would inspire financial and moral support (and the discarding of the other party (me) in the process) and is living a completely new life in a tony apartment in a pricey city, not having to work but just be a full time student, with obvious signs of this financial support, especially, buying clothes and jewelry and going on “retreats” (most likely to Spain, not Vermont, pin in that) and gets immediately into a relationship with a hedge fund manager who has lots of money, spending a bulk of time and money, still, getting beauty treatments and dining out and being invited around to dinner parties, one is living a completely new life. It is much easier to put the past behind you when you move so far away and surround yourself with all our former mutual friends, all of whom are very wealthy, now on the arm of some money man, with a new cast of people who also live in luxury and would naturally assume, given the circumstance, that one is likewise an affluent character, it adds up to instant reinvention, it would be very easy to put the past and the person you spent the last forty years with behind you. This is not my experience. I was left by the side of the road, literally, left to die, really. I had to go through every paper and every box and every everything and pack it all up, while the other one completely avoided that process, not getting their hands dirty, or have to deal with the heart-wrenching process. Scott free.

To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree point of the Sabian Symbol may at times be one degree higher than the one listed here. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°,  for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period. 

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2022 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved.