Sagittarius 6° (November 28)

 

I think I’m feeling better but I will be so wrong about that. It was a fine morning and I’ve been vigilant about my new fasting routine. And my hope will be not to eat everything in sight today. I am quite coldy I realize as the morning goes on. I’m not in supercreative mode and ready to let things go. We ended up doing a little shopping last evening so we won’t arrive empty handed. The roads were completely clear driving up to see the in-laws. There is meant to be no drama, that is to say no cooking, and we have a noon reservation for dinner which is fine by me since I’ve been waking every day by around four. I want to continue on this path as I’ll be on European time by when we arrive there. I won’t say it’s not a struggle but the truth of the matter is that I need to get into the hardware of my being at this point. I won’t bore you with the astrology of that. Let’s just say I’m looking to get back to basics. I can’t even watch our own so-called liberal news anymore because it isn’t the news. News is reporting on things happening around the world and giving us more of a range of what is going on overall. I’m not even sure why it is I look at real estate. I am living a dream of some sort. I know this is all very random. It’s not that I’m intending it to be, it’s just where my brain is right now.

So we get there pretty much in time to bring our bags and have a little chat. There is ironic, apologetic boasting of what “snacks” will be later, which were supposed to be minimal but are being promoted as much more. We head to the restaurant. It’s weird to eat this early and I probably shouldn’t be having wine with a cold but caution is thrown to the wind. Most everyone has turkey. J. has salmon, S. filet mignon and I go for lamb chops. I dreamed of the blue-cheese wedge salad and so I start with that. And I get a hazelnut torte of sorts for dessert. It’s all quite quick. Millenials make the worst generation of servers ever to walk the planet. I’m feeling quite coldy now and return back to the house where I fall and remain asleep for two hours. Awakening, everybody is playing cards. There is food in the fridge but nobody wants to eat. I am apparently the only hungry one. The promise of making pretzels and dipping them in a cheddar sauce has gone by the wayside. I eat Dorritos and clam dip and a piece of pumpkin pie and have a half a glass of Chinon and I’m pretty well finished for the night. I don’t know what I’m thinking. I’m just feeling bloody awful. I can sense something seething and bubbling up to the surface.

I might be officially over everything including major aspects of self. I feel like making sacrifices. I feel like soaking up some of the excess, and sucking up all my so-called defeats. I’m also tired of trying to get blood from stones and letting everybody else, but myself, off the hook. I’m really not that interested or impressed by anybody who isn’t in my immediate sphere of friendship. I have had my eyes pretty much opened in 2019; and I’ve made a slew of mistakes, for sure. But I’m really ready to start letting go; and I’m hungry for new experiences, that I can tell you. I’m never really that happy on a holiday. Everyone in my family is dead, you see. And I’m not a huge priority but for maybe one or two people on this planet. That’s just the way it is. Orphaned and non-procreative and I don’t really have many friends. The ones I do have a very good ones; but we are not a very cozy lot, rather, we are, shall we say, non-co-dependent (which is often a euphemism for bloodless). I see people all around me clustered into clans that bordero n the cultish. Especially on Cape Cod and specifically in Provincetown. I suppose it is the same with the downtown New York City crowd. It’s fine. But I’m something of a pariah there, too, sometimes I feel. But that too is okay. Better than okay. That’s kind of where I’m going here:

I’m feeling driven forward, once again, in my life. This illusion of belonging on a grand scale to people, friends now synonomous with followers, in a world where everyone is bucking for position in some phantom pantheon. It’s preposterous. I think that might have been the message of the appearance of those Amish people to me at Penn Station. I know I have the wrong structure in that previous sentence but I am not looking back even in little ways like that. I have that adventurous feeling once again. That spirit of wanting to see the world. I literally have everything I need on my back. I travel with my livelihood and I should be happy to travel light. I am going to continue to loosen my load whilst filling my coffers. I want everyone to be happy and free, myself foremost. I want S. to be the happiest of all.

 

To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree pointof the Sabian Symbol will be one degree higher than the one listed for today. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°,  for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period. There are 360  degrees spread over 365 or 6 days per year—so they near but not exactly correlate.

 

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go!
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