Leo 14° (August 5)

Went to get my bank balance and not even a minute into driving down the highway my hood flew up and crashed my windshield. I had to pull in to the nearest drive to turn around. In the moment it didn’t have that great an effect on me but, writing this later in retrospect, I can tell you that I will be altered for days to come. I had this dream I was chatting with Dave who had a kid on the Cape and we were drinking Jameson. Mine were sort of fever dreams. And I fell asleep midday, too, when S. went into Provincetown to run some errands and got some checks from the post office which was somewhat inspiring. That letter came from Mass MoCA and I phoned them and gave their voicemails an earful. Some checks came in too, but it just isn’t enough this year, which is going to be the grandest of struggles. I am definitely rejigging my thinking on all of that. The good news is I won’t need to find another venue for next year which is a total god send. I am really coming down to the wire once again. And the trip away doesn’t even feel like a dream I had but rather something which didn’t happen at all. Sometimes going away makes the reality of being back in one’s mundane life all the more challenging and dispiriting. The fact is that this place in which I live is filled with rich offspring, mainly, of parents who wanted to see their delicate children set up in a lifestyle where they felt protected (and also out of parental hair). There are enough of these people to populate small Provincetown. And then add in the recovery population and what do you have? Queer, exiled, trust-funded, self-indulgent, indolent creatures who can fill their days with meetings, community theater auditions, and renting out bits of the houses that were bought for them. And yet they will complain about their lives ad nauseum. On color in my new leaf is not to be friends with anyone who has never worked a day in their life.

I have also decided to make other changes. For one, I have a so-called good friend who I caught in a lie. They said they changed their email address (when they hadn’t) as a cover up for not writing me back on certain topics, namely, continue to give to my charitable arts foundation. I didn’t really want to believe that instead of just telling me honestly to my face that they made up a labyrinthian lie; but in the time since I have realized that they are quite the pathological liar and has even asked us to lie for them. They never did change their email (and not receive my messages) because they still/again/now write to us from it. So, in review of their character, I have decided to let the friendship go. The thing is that they will barely notice. It will probably be years before they realize I haven’t been in touch. But this is the sort of thing that occurs to someone like me who, having grown up with malignant narcissists, attracts them, mainly, in relationship as an adult. At this point it is my own fault not to do something about it.

Since nobody ever reads this, and given the fact I’m going through one of the most challenging periods of my life, I’m not going to hold back. I have been used up like an old wash rag and by those who I would have never thought capable of doing so. I have no choice but to completely surrender to what’s happening and not fight any more. I will find a way to keep my location stable for the next year but I will have to make a number of changes and figure out a path through and then out. All best laid plans are now completely blowing up in my face and I have no choice but to give in. I will not fight anymore. There is no point. People do not see things from my perspective and I cannot make them do so. I am basically unable to trust anyone at this point and so I have to focus somehow on trusting myself all the more. I have no family to speak of and, having been in a couple for so long, any friends I have are couple friends; and in those instances, the women become closer and closer as the men become purely periferal. Well I’m not longer taking the tack that this is happening to me.

To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree pointof the Sabian Symbol will be one degree higher than the one listed for today. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°,  for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period. There are 360  degrees spread over 365 or 6 days per year—so they near but not exactly correlate.

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go!
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