Scorpio 29° (November 21)

Really have to get this sleeping under control. I should feel better today but bit blue. I will put my thoughts on list for Roman, who is helping quite a lot. Googled him and he’s a Capricorn. I was going to ask him if he was yesterday based on the shape of his eyes, but restrained myself. It seems he also is a registered chess player. Capricorns play the long game. I will set up another week’s worth of Blagues and read what I’ve written so far. I have to go slow and go deep and just let myself be. Thirty-one days of massive recovery time. There was no news good news about a medical procedure I had done. It is a use it or lose it time. FF is an abuser and he will not be allowed to get away with it again. I must remember that. I’m so conditioned to wonder why it is that people treat us this way or that. It’s a self-punishing thing. The truth is he is a menace and he cannot be allowed to cause us any more pain.

The following blocks of text are exceprts from my first year of  Blagues, nos. 1171-1175 I am reading through all of my Blagues, five per day, and posting some samples here. Now, in my sixth year of writing this Blague, by the time I get to my seventh, I will have journeyed through all the daily Blagues of my first five years. If that’s confusing I apologize. Year seven, I’ll only have to read through year six, once a day.

Dear Quinn,

First off I wanted to say I think you’re doing great. You reallly are more ahead of the game than you think (despite the obvious setback you wrote about yesterday). Within a short period of days, you will have drafted all of the introductions, and well, really, all of next year’s books, still nearly six months ahead of the game. So good for you for being so staalwart in face of the shifting sands of a schedule. You always pretty much weather life well.

The loss of your parents didn’t really hit you hard. At least you haven’t manifested it as such. I think the loss of other people in your life, however, might be devesating, and you might want to think about that, just as you push yourself to think about your own demise. That was always the beauty of the reading you did in your youth. Starting at quite a young age you read about seers and magi and the like; you read your Vedas and Upanishads and about various pantheons and symbol systems; and that has certainly served in your work as a writer and counselor; and it shall serve you in the course of creating tangible designs, now, as well. You must think of it all holistically and authentically. Just as you have to power to create a powerful herb conconction so do you have the power to create beautiful talismans.

So keep that in mind and know that the busy work is almost over for the year. On the boat you will write your Blague (exploring pas Blagues by reading through, going back to the beginning, marking the dates where certain stories arise, cutting and pasting in those stories, and reworking them a bit, if only smoothing them for storytelling gigs or fully realized performance pieces. That will be an hour of your morning on the boat. And then you will work on smoothing the intros, that will be another hour to two hours of stolen moments—you can likely get through the first six signs in about two days, right? Then you have the whole rest of the time to devote to fleshing out the others. It will be fun and it will keep you focussed. So that by the time you hit New Hampshire, on August 8, you are already editing and drawing out the books, per day, finished on your end, surely, by the 20th—and then you’ll have ten full days of working on your Christmas show while finishing your fundraising. Sounds fairly doable. And, again, I think a simple schedule of work as such will keep you grounded while on holiday without at all interfering with it.

When I first thought to write you this, which was only a few days ago, I was going to see that: “on a deeper note, you’ve gotten really far away from yourself and you need to get it together”; however in just a few short days you have proved you can still rely (albeit decreasingly) on your bounce-back ability. So bravo for continuing to watch your diet and for exercising and getting out and enjoying nature in the process. More than in any summer I can remember, you have gone to the beach more often than I can even count, going back to spring. This is another reason I’m so proud of you. I know it’s painful to fully open like a prismatic, cosmic flower without anesthetizing yourself against the angst and fear, nay panic, in doing so, but it really is better that you operate from this particular station at this point. I don’t often say I love you but I want you to know I really do. You’re a very good person and the irony of being (and no it’s not just your imagination) treated as less-than or discarded by others is not lost on us. You might say it’s proof positive of how powerfully wonderful you can be. So keep up the good work of being yourself! XX

Ah Bastille Day. I have memories of almost winning a boule tournament one Bastille Day, playing in partnership with chef Alan Harding against dozens of teams from all the top French restaurants in New York. If I remember correctly we came in third or fourth.

I am having terrible writer’s block in attempting to meet some important project deadlines. I think it’s because there are so many different things going on at once; I always think I can stick to set “units of time” but, alas, I never have. Still everything gets done; and I must remember what I told myself yesterday. Meanwhile I am front-loading health and exercise. The day has been starting with low tide so it’s up and out to the beach for the next few days, which really helps keep my head on straight.

This time next week I’ll be setting off to Boston for the weekend and meeting with the Dean of the MFA. I look forward to just being able to focus on all things Glow-y for awhile and to get cracking on the fundraising which is seriously lacking this year. Provincetown has never felt more changed, filled with day trippers while Ryan Murphy and his ilk continue to buy up houses they don’t live in. It’s become such a status symbol for rich gays. But the arts outlook is becoming rather dim in the process.

Ooh, I haven’t in so long a time felt such a spirit of excitement and élan as I am currently experiencing. Even in the mindst of the mountain of work I’m facing, somehow it all seems manageable, due to how much effort I’ve already put in. I’m quite proud of myself and my accomplishments thus far this year, and I can say so here, publically, because it’s only you and me reading this. Ha! And who cares. I had an artist bag out on me, or rather never even have the courtesy and decency to tell me: you know what thank you for your offer but I can’t do it. Just threats and recrimination and then a big silent fuck you. Well, I’m not going to dignify these actions with any kind of retaliation (except for venting here). Still, this morning, I was asking why me? Why do people feel comfortable. They definitely shouldn’t. Anyway, I can only keep my side of the street clean…

Today is my friend Matt’s birthday. I wrote Happy Birthday Matt to him in a text. I went to see if he got it, and when I checked, in the box wherein you would type a text to send, were the words: I am not coming home. Isn’t that kind of spooky. I think it is—it flashes me back to the kind of freaky feelings I’d get, always in summer, reading books like The Amityville Horror or Suffer the Children, which I mainly did, in the summer of 76.

You have to include everything—you can’t be so black and white. You are not good nor are you evil if you indulge in certain behaviors. Whether or not they are good or not for you, they needn’t have resonance beyond the scope of the action itself. It is its own thing. It doesn’t mean anything more about you. It surely isn’t a sign you’re spinning down in any way. Especially when coincidence or synchronicity brings such things to you. You must accept them. They have no moral assignation.

You don’t have parents looking over your shoulder; and you’re not in trouble. And though it is comforting that friends might play that knowing, authoritative part from time to time, you have an off-switch. You understand how to monitor yourself. Like now: You can ritualize your experience, not only including it but empowering it to empower you, instead of rationalizing it, embarrassed by expressions of your true nature. You can do this. It is all a choice. All choices are a choice. Imagine guilt not playing a part.

I will read the Bhagavad Gita (again?) while on this trip and read nothing else. It will mark the beginning of new spiritual sustenance. I have often read great books on boats. This is the essential book and I will not not read it. Alaska should be something of a spiritual journey. It should absolutely not be anything that resembles a debauch, by any stretch of the imagination. I am looking forward to seeing my friend Florian most of all (to be honest).

I have not had the best taste in friends over the years. It really is an area where I am really terrible. I didn’t much enjoy the weekend having all my high school friends to visit, I must be honest. It was way too full on. People are so selfish and narciissistic. I don’t think I am, but maybe people say that about me. Who knows.

It just takes a moment for things to go completely off. I was doing fine enough. But one false move and then everything goes kaput. I have to learn my lesson this time. I can’t keep making the same mistake over and over. It’s not a good look, and it puts me in deeper danger than I can rationalize. When I’m not in the correct state of mind I am simply too uninhibited to know what’s what. I feel for me I really do. There is a huge part of me that is, for lack of a better word, missing. And so I take scraps, but I realize that I might really be living out some trauma, or retraumatizing myself, to use modern vernacular.

I need to treat this vacation as a vacation. I think I need to really rest and recuperate and let myself be taken care of a little. Maybe something has finally switched in me for the better where I realize that I know longer process the same input as I did in the past. I am beginning to know what is detritus and not to repeat patterns on the them of that definition of insanity. I am not going to make things better this way. I have to keep my head screwed on straight if I’m to navigate my personal and professional life and this increasingly crazy world. Otherwise the proverbial they win. They are trying to wear us down. And we can’t let them.

All this while we watch our illegitimate president suck Putin’s cock on international TV.

I won’t get into it. I can’t get into it. Our leaders now have to step up and prove that we are stronger than this one man. Meanwhile, I have my own goals to achieve, my own battles to fight, only I’m not fighting. I am tired of speaking about myself and giving a daily account. Something has switched in me and I need to speak on more metaphorical and metaphysical a level. I must begin to achieve what I need to achieve and to sleep when I’m tired. I cannot keep coming up against the same obstacles—it’s not doing anybody any good. Especially me. I’m the one who truly suffers and I’m kind of sick of it.

And so I go to the beach and I walk three miles in sinking sand. I eat healthfully and sleep nine hours. I sit back at my computer and resolve to do better. I make my plans for the future with more than hope, but resolve The general atmosphere these past two years has trickled down, even to members of our so-called community. I see an uptick in selfish, venal, mercenary, self-aggrandizing behavior across the board to which most people have not been immune. There is the overt and there is the insidious. The result of feeling universally persecuted unfortunately results in fearful dog-eat-dogging. You are only a victim if you choose to be; and if you do, you are likely going to victimize others in the process. I choose kindness, increased compassion, community and, most of all, I choose forgiveness and Love.

I’m going to focus on the positive. I’m going to clean slate myself and stop living in fear. I have plenty of time and I have done all the heavy lifting already. Everything else now can just be icing. And downtime, even a wee trip down the rabbit hole, is a necessary part of the process. I actually feel renewed and thus ready to keep up the good fight. I must find a way to activate S+C against what is happening politically. I must find a way to give counsel to people, more widely, as I do for our individual clients. I feel it must now be a calling and I have to get that mechanism moving. I ask for guidance on this score.

Next year will be the crystal anniversary of Sextrology and I’m thinking up a bunch of fun ways to promote what will definitely be a new ebook edition, and hopefully a new print one; it requires getting a wee bit more respect from that powers that be at HarperCollins. They’re owned by Murdoch that fascist reptile so, really, if they don’t pony up, they can go fuck themselves. It dawned on me today how many people I know who are powered by phony fucking money. I have been so naive whe friends have mine have had houses bought for them, school tuitions paid for them—and I’ve seen them elated and celebratory. How to remain friends with people you know are succored by what would be blood money. To be honest, if I think it through I’m not really surprised. Some of my best friends for decades I fear might really be quite, how do you say, elitist (in the true sense not in the insdide-out GOP-spin sense). Of course they are the same people who give to Christian charities, which, unbeknownst to them, are likely human trafficking outfits. You think I’m kidding and I’m not. I need to get more involved in Lumos and other organizations.

This week is not turning out to be what I expected and I keep rejigging my daily planner. But you know what—fuck it. Time has to work for me not the other way around. I will get through everything and all will be done, so why stress. Why stress anything really. It’s all made up. The important things now I find are exercise and eating right. That’s the simple first stepness of the Zodiac as well, it starts with Aries which rules the first house of, among other things, the physical body. The physical body, according to the Zodiac is spirt made manifest. Anyway, I’m not going to go on about astrology right now; I’m more interested in remaining terrestrial, here, today.

I’m going to miss our daily walks here these next three weeks. Wow that is a lot of missed walks. I won’t be getting much exercise on the yacht I can tell you. I suppose I shall have to learn how to walk on a treadmill—perish the thought. I miss the sand and sea and seals and so forth.

To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree point of the Sabian Symbol may at times be one degree higher than the one listed here. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°,  for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period. There are 360  degrees spread over 365/6 days per year—so they nearly, but not exactly, correlate.

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2020 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved. Get your HAUTE ASTROLOGY 2020 Weekly Horoscope ebooks by Starsky + Cox.