Capricorn 0° (December 21)

I’m going to have to check emails from this day because it feels to be, in retrospect, really difficult. I ate some oatcakes late night and then again this morning and just sort of floated into the future afternoon. I think I needed just one of these horrible things to go by. There will be chicken tacos with yi sauce after a few careless moments. But nothing can be done about that. It is the first time in a long time but it won’t be the last. (This is an understatement.) Look I can’t really care that these Blague entries make no sense. They are not supposed to. They are meant to be disjointed because that is the tenor of the time in which they are happening. Back to the future (to revisit the past): That is to say that I am now writing this nearly a year later revisiting the little bit I wrote on that day as a placeholder. That said I am looking back through journals and such to see what was up with me around this time…I guess I just want to say, reiterate, really, in the stony face of silence, that I’m finally in full forgiveness of your perspective and whatever parts you may have played in the last eighteen months. I have run the gamut of emotion, and having no filter, have sent you texts and emails portraying the many stages of grief. I now realize, contrary to any outside assurances, that you have no intention of ever engaging with me again, your cancelation of me being complete. Though the pain at being cast aside, out, branded with your vivid accusations without the benefit of sharing my (side of the) story will always be there, along with the sadness of losing friends I truly loved and considered family, I must let as much surrounding sorrow go and allow this loss to give way to more caring and compassionate connections with as yet undiscovered friends cum family. With the holidays upon me for the second time since separation, I am at least braced if not prepared for the profound existential despondency that this time of year can bring which, last year, took me so completely unawares, I found myself passing through the wafer membrane of final despair. I am now a poster child, alas, for cancel culture, not just at the hands of decades long mutual friends who label me in the manner you do, but on the other end of the spectrum as well by those who don’t quite buy me as a member of their diverse community either. I gothically giggle to myself that I should fashion myself a bunch a tees with the single word “pariah” spelled, spread upon my chest, and wear it as a badge of honor. Too few people speak to the good in me anymore and so it is solely, now, up to me to shout it from the rooftops of my own consciousness. It makes no good sense for a person to be praised and held up for many years for being a paragon of this or that virtue only to, in an instant, be deemed the personification of irredeemable vice. Cue an Erasure track. I can’t say “screw it, I don’t care”  because I always will, but there comes a time when one must turn their utter loss and all-too literal disappointment and grief into something else. The first step I have learned is to welcome the shun and to embrace the blessed anonymity it brings. I have no family or friends (here anyway) and precious few of them in any case, anywhere, and I want to focus on how liberating that can be. I am free to express myself fully without concern for hurting others’ feelings. There is something to be said for that…

To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree point of the Sabian Symbol may at times be one degree higher than the one listed here. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°,  for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period. 

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2021 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved. Get your HAUTE ASTROLOGY 2021 Weekly Horoscope ebooks by Starsky + Cox.