Pisces 10° (March 1)

Tonight will be a Chinese Soup. I’m super into re-watching Victoria, which should have been given subsequent seasons. I read that there were plans, perhaps, but nothing yet confirmed. Anyway I end up watching the state of the union address. It is amazing how little time is left in this place. I feel like I’ve been here forever. It has been really indulgent the first four cold months. I have still been eating out a ton but now that lent is upon me I’m already starting the great reduction which feels pretty good I must say. Doodle loodle loo. I hadn’t given much thought to our last exchange since October I think it was. Suddenly it came to mind and I thought give me a break. First of all, you didn’t pen that letter to me—it was in a different voice completely than your own, and I have a pretty good idea whose. Next, please, once again, you can firmly rest assured I have no desire to see you in any context; that said, if I want to be some place in town where you just happen to be singing or screaming that’s too bad for you. You are at every venue and there are few open. So I guess I’m saying get over yourself. Oh, and I did look back to my sent emails to you and I have been extending friendship for well over a decade. I credit you, as I said, with some pretty effective assassinating of my character over the years. It no longer hurts me as it once did. The sweeping irony in all this is: you don’t even know me. You never took the time to do so. Your every interest in us was motivated by self-aggrandizement, a power we never possessed to bestow; once you figured that out we were of little use to you. You made your connections and you made your way which is your prerogative. I don’t know where to go from here. All I know is that I need to figure out future steps. It will become vividly apparent that I need to repeople my life, that I don’t have the love and support in this world that I thought I had. I need to find a way to rescue myself from this mire. Even this time last (this) year I had more friends than I do now, the conflict during the divorce process contributing to tension and for that, too, you will be solely blamed. Enough surely is enough. You were born such a good person, an angelic creature really. You were the shining light in your family but, due to abuse and neglect, over time you turned into someone who seems to invite scorn and derision. I really don’t have a clear grasp as to why. I think it was within the context of the relationship and boy oh boy was that weaponized against me. All this said, you are so used to sorrow that it has made you impervious to the kind of pain that would in the past be your undoing. You will see the love of your life move on as with nary a second thought and engage in all things new from home city to vocation to a new love relationship. The only thing that will remain the same will be the myriad friendships that used to be mutual but are no longer available to you. Like G. says “the fix was in” and it was so carefully planned. I guess that’s where all the time and energy went. It certainly didn’t go into furthering our career. What I am most shocked by is the narcissism. I knew one could be self-preservational, but I now see the parallel between another person of an opposite sign whose behavior mirrors that of the father in the film Force Majeure. Some people throw themselves in harm’s way to save a loved one while others would push anyone else into harm’s way in even an unconscious impulse to save their own skin. I think if I leave this town and try to secure myself some greener passions and a new set of peoples I might find a level of happiness heretofore denied me. I have alighted on the north shore as my domestic choice; as much as I love it here. Look, first things first and that means moving the needle as best I can to keep this train on track and to give my new professional partner a chance to make some magic. To that end I have to look fairly decent myself. So, really, having a summer to tweak and chill would be just the ticket. I could spend my nights reading and listening to music. I could take the bus in and out of town for a dollar each way and attend parties and dances and, worse comes to worse, uber home if I had to. There is every opportunity for me this year to have the summer I always wanted, to exercise and feel my best, to reinvent and create a rosy picture as someone with buckets of talent and hutzpah and the ability to sieze opportunities as they arise.

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2022 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved.