Virgo 20° (September 12)
Last night John Jarboe delivered an excellent show and I’m thrilled he’s going to be part of our series this year at American Rep. And of course Martha Graham Cracker was her usual powerhouse self and knocked it out of the park. Having her in the beginning of the week precluded us from a big turn-out which will be a theme. But never mind, I am determined to look on the bright side. We had a nice little sushi party after the show. Funny how out-of-sight-out-of-mind we are with certain sponsors who no longer need to leverage us and the people we bring to their businesses as they pull up stakes here. Everything is done for money. I guess this brings up a larger issue for me.
I am determined to do less and be more. That is one of the tricks of our trade, and what we tell clients at the most relevant times. I do long for a time when I can get back into all my books and such. I think I will celebrate this birthday as a turning point. I have really been living in so much hurt these last four years and I am determined that it will push me into a much more zen and vibrant place. I have not always kept my side of the street clean and that is the truth. But what is also true is that, due to my upbringing, I can have very bad taste in people. When you spend your entire childhood trying to get affectionate blood from stoney so-called loved ones…stoney is the wrong word: Mean people is more correct; when you try to be liked as well as loved, in effect, you cut and paste this dynamic on other relationships moving forward. It’s a terrible burden.
As a young adult I went deep into spiritual reading as a way to find an even deeper connection than the ones that were rejecting me. It reminded me of something I’ve written before:
Sometimes you spend all your days and nights thinking of other people. And the cosmic joke is those are the same people who take you most for granted. I wonder sometimes if I removed myself from friend/family dynamics if others would feel the miss. I doubt it though they should. Then again they might be relieved not to have to deal with me. Apparently, I’m not easy. I think I’m super easy. And very nurturing indeed. Others differ on that score.
The Vitametavegiman episode of I Love Lucy was on this morning at the ungodly hour at which I awoke. Lucy was my babysitter. Before I could talk or read I was imprinted upon her. I used to think her name was Lucy O’Ball because I hadn’t yet learned that Lucille was a word. But she is part Scottish so that’s cool. I don’t think I’m long for the past world. I’ve been milking it forever and it no longer serves. I would watch Lucy and think I will always watch Lucy but something about me says I can’t watch it any more. It’s too far in the past.
And when you’re suddenly old, as old people are, the past no longer holds the same appeal. It’s not cute or comforting. It seems vividly archaic and scary. One must get away. And so one must. TV in general is a problem. But for the fact you can see great things. The grand irony. I watched Louis C.K. last night flirt with bisexuality. He wasn’t stealing my act because I don’t have one. But it was fantastic and amazing to see him delve into territory—all the while keeping his straight safety line—that I’ve, in my own small way treated.
He does this bit about being knee high at a football game where the “urinal” is a trough. As the son of a father who had season’s tickets to the Giants games where, yes, the urinal was a giant communal affair and, when you’re eleven (that crucial age) when you pee, dicks are too close to eye level. Unlike Louis C.K. I didn’t glance side to side. But I was aware of some “power”.
To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree of the Sabian Symbol may be higher than the one listed here as the symbols cluminate in the next degree. There are 360 degrees spread over 365 days.
Typos happen—I don’t have time or an intern to edit.*
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