Capricorn 5° (December 27)
Today will be a fun day because it is Louie day. We will go for a long walk and the plan was to hit the Portrait Gallery then The Wollesely, but we were so starving by the time we started walking we decided to eat first and at J. Sheeky instead. A rocket salad and fish pie for me with a bottle of Chablis. That works. The drinking is going to have to stop. I will learn in two days time that there is something called dry January. That’s for me this year me thinks. Seems counterintuitive being away and all that but the fact is I’m here to work. But for today we will enjoy ourselves. The Portrait Gallery was fine. Not everything was to my liking but mostly I would say. And I could tell neither of us was really in the mood for a lot of museum action. We decided to stroll back and stopped at Lambs Conduit to make a little detour only to stumble upon Noble Rot, which we will likely circle back and visit. There was a tiny side road where people kept potted plants right on the street. London is a wonderful place even in its grimness. I am feeling fairly low by this point and upon our arrival back at Sadler’s Wells we went to suss out the butcher’s schedule—he won’t reopen for days. We went to the French wine shop and found something really good and were directed to Camden Passage to check to see if the cheese shop was open. It was. Coq Epicerie.
It is one of those December days in London, mild, the street lights reflecting off the wet cobble stones. If ever I could live here I would live right here. I am looking forward to Shoreditch too but mostly this is where I would stay. We are ridiculously blessed that we have friends whoare so generous with us. So with our cheese in tow we headed back to Myddelton Square and had a lovely time playing records and snacking in the sitting room. John Coltraine, Millie Jackson. We talked through some of the stickiness we encountered, mostly generated by me I really don’t want to be the cause of that sort of thing. But I too often am. We talked through the entire entropy of the publishing process. I realize on this day more than any other just how incredibly sad I am. I wanted so much to make this move. And now we will have to confront the situation head on, for real. I am no longer in the bravado phase. I am really truly upset and we will have to address it. I am actually hurt by the initial suggestion by M. in the process. I know these things will happen in waves, coming and going, the feelings of disappointment and rejection. One of my pet peeves is people who type really loud on their laptops, or as I like to call it slaptops.
I am really needing to let go of all this and more. The friendships; the feeling that I’ve made so many connections for so many people and they seem not to care enough to keep me in the picture. I’ve been a happy connector for people and I just don’t see why it is that I am so damn dispensible. But I have to not fight it. I must accept and move on. I am truly ready to do that now and I want most to triumph over what used to threaten to bring me down; there are so many more good things to look forward to and I cannot continue to try to get blood from stones. I will put my mind to the positive things and what that actually requires is severing all the emotional ties of the past. I have had the fantasy of disappearing into the ether. We shall see what people are made of. Espeically those who might just want to make money from us and nothing more. That will be eye opening to say the least.
I think what added to my sense of depression and loss was my sense of depression and loss. Losing things has been a theme, whether it applies to my ready-readers or opportunities passing me by to friendships that need falling away by the force of their own weight. I will spend New Year’s Eve writing out my affirmations and getting a fix on my finances and finding a way to further my aims and speed the plow. We are obviously being funneled in one direction and it all comes down to that. I will do a little math and I will make all the cash myself. Not only that I will make sure that people are properly dealt with and, not only that, but I will make it my goal to get my rights back. Examples will be made and the justice will be swift. We shall see that it is wielded because we are not afraid. People are not going to be able to get away with what they determine to get away with. And at the same time I will let the past be the past and move forward that much more singlemindedly. What is working is going to work really well. And we have time and inclination and energy and fortune on our side. I will make a success of all of this and I will live somewhere where it will all make sense and all be empowered.
To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree pointof the Sabian Symbol will be one degree higher than the one listed for today. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°, for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period. There are 360 degrees spread over 365 or 6 days per year—so they near but not exactly correlate.
Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go!
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