Cancer 25° (July 16)

So yesterday was one of the most traumatic days of my life and yet I did end up connecting with the b-i-l and it was good to be able to have a human here while I went through all my emotions. Let me back up. This Blague was never really meant to be a forum for personal life and all that involves. But, over the years, there were times where it took on a personal feel. But it was never confessional and certainly not on the level of exposition in the extreme ever before. I thought this would be the worst day (I will be very shortly very wrong). I decided fuck this I’m going to Uber to dinner and back again. I went to Mac’s Shack and despite the throngs was seated immediately at the sushi bar—the first perk of being single. I ordered a pint of house Krolsch and a dozen oysters. I then did the exact thing again, one of my second dozen going to my neighbor whose name was Jo, there with her pretty daughter whose name escapes me. I then had chowder. I then had sushi—crabby crunch roll, mackerel nigiri, and a spicy tuna handroll and more beer. I was suddenly exhausted explaining to Jo and daughter the laste few events of my life. I was shocked that young waitstaff kept coming up to me because apparently they remember we/us from when they were teenagers working here. You could see the question in their eyes: Why are you here alone? Is she dead? Sorry but that’s what I saw in their eyes. I was going to use the company card to pay as a fuck you but I didn’t do that in the end. Ubers by the way are super expensive when you take them on the outer Cape. Holy Ef. And meanwhile they are nearly impossible to book. Good thing I won’t do this again for a very long time I thought. And yet two days later I will repeat this but on a budget plan. I wrote large scribbles into a notebook that I would love to read and type back; but that would be impossible at this point. It felt amazing to be out and seen and to converse. I am reminded that I’m the personality who outreaches to folks in the world. I am flooded with the fact that she is going to fuck me over every which way. The way this happened to my mind (not hers) is ridiculous. To my mind also cruel in the sense that she led me to believe every night we sat outside having wine and nibblies and dinners—one of the ways, like cleaning, I show love–to allow me to do all this on the night she knows she’s leaving? Holy merde. She will say it was the only way she could do it. She did say that; and I totally believe her. But I heard her planning this months ago on Facetime with her friend Noelle in Canada. I was at the dryer folding laundry, separated basically by thin paneling while she’s under earbuds not realizing she’s nearly shouting. I calmly addressed her when she got off her call and was ready for wine and nibblies. I said just so you know I heard you saying that once the book was finished in six months or so you’re going to leave. I also heard you say that you need to be with someone who desires you in the way you need to be desired. I told you I heard you. And you gaslit me. You said I misheard and immediately deflected saying you were responding to the fact Noelle was saying that Joe had sexual issues of a sort.

Oh, and yeah, the pulblisher cancelled our book deal. I found out from a forward from the person who is most responsible for that happening. Had we handed in another 5-6 chapters during the fortnight plus since she left…well, again: I believe she believed it had to happen this way but I strongly state it did not. We were on the same page. We were going to write and edit six pages a day and we would have ruled the school. She hates me on some deep levels and she’s entitled to that too. 

To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree point of the Sabian Symbol may at times be one degree higher than the one listed here. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°,  for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period. 

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2021 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved. Get your HAUTE ASTROLOGY 2021 Weekly Horoscope ebooks by Starsky + Cox.