Capricorn 22° (January 12)
I’m thinking around this time that I want to start sliding into home. I know I’m working hard but am overwhelmed, as evidenced by a need to go the Cook Shop for some kind of adventure. If all I had to do all day was write it might be fun. I am actually longing for that kind of time ahead. I don’t mind it being another year away to be honest.
It’s been so good to feel that my pasts regret are buried deep in the cemetary of get over yourself. Life really is so much simpler than we make it. And it’s more beautiful. And we have to be flexible and spread things out for sure. I have make an effort to be more than abstemious when it comes to all forms of self indulgence.
At this point I’m still processing the trip which really just happened. I have to say I really loved Miami and would totally take myself there next time someone wants some time away from me. It could be quite the blast me thinks. But I generally want more of that. I need to begin to visualize it happening and to create my own little transporter room at the top of the stairs. I need to feel more relaxed (and get my bood pressure down) and to dream and scheme and roll around the attic of my brain. I need to be fearless.
I have been a so-called orphan now for over twelve years nearly and let’s face it, abandoned long ago on that score, most poignantly with the onset of mother’s memory loss. But the panic attacks are gone for the most part; they which once killed me beginning to decades ago. I can still go there but I am not gripped with fear and dread with a bright orange glare in the backs of my eyes. For one writing is a form of relasaction now as opposed to a process of endless siezing up.
And I’m coming up on having a lot to say. About a great many things. At the same time I am well aware of where I can sleep into the kind of mania that could turn my office into a bit of production design for A Beautiful Mind.
Typos happen—I don’t have time or an intern to edit.*
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