Sagittarius 4° (November 26)
Today is Henry’s birthday so I’ll reach out and post an embarrassing children’s photo. Last night was one of lousy sleep. I woke up like every hour, coughing and/or wheezing. I have to get my act in gear today. As suspected the stupid car window people didn’t come in the, forgiving the pun, window they said they would. So waiting around for nothing all day. It is so annoying. I do want to hear from the agent but at the same time I have to let that expectation go. I’m giving myself certain antcipation agita and (I know from experience) it could end in tears. If there isn’t a book there isn’t a book. I have been waiting all day for the stupid window repair guy to not show up. Was supposed to be here from eight till noon and now it is past four o’clock in the afternoon. I’m really over it I must be honest. I woke up feeling pretty coldy which, knowing me, will pass, without my actually getting ill. But I do feel quite on the verge I must be honest. I know why of course—exposure to smoke always makes me feel this way. Even a very working fieplace can cause me to manifest a cough or worse. I’m so tired of the stressing and of not getting anywhere fast. Oh well, the window guy is finally here and the water is draining perfectly from my sunroof so that’s good news. He is going to replace my windshield (again) but leave the gasket and seal with some urethane. Isn’t this interesting?
I watched the rest of the Grégory documentary on NetFlix when I woke at four this morning because it had subtitles and wouldn’t bother anyone. Then I watched doc of Wynn Handman whom I had never heard of, but that is more a show of my ignorance than anything else. I got to feeling low about having given up on certain dreams; and the weird synchronicities I suffered like starting a poetry and performance night in 1992 or thereabouts at the Bell Caffe and not being able to reach Dael Oerlandersmith who showed up to perform when the project got scrapped. Of course she went on to do great things. I can’t even remember how it is I got the word out back in the day; but I do know that performers contacted me. I was always feeling bad about myself back in those days. (Have things changed all that much.) I have felt disposable as a friend, and seem to relive that trauma over and over. I try to think back on certain times when I felt really solid. I do know that just prior to moving (back) to NYC (area) in 1987 I wasn’t really concerned with other people in any kind of major way. I was reading the Vedas and the Upanishads and Creative Visualization and was on quite the New Age trip which has now become Now Age. I suppose we can now draw a line from that in such a way that validates my current existence. Although watching that doc on Wynn Handman definitely triggered me and the fact that I didn’t stick on my acting path. I know it’s not too late and I do plan on doing something about it in the coming years (gods willing) and even tying it into something of a book idea. I think the last time I was on Broadway I was twenty nine. I think that makes sense. So maybe I will do something about that at my thirty year anniversary of paying dues to Actors Equity but never quite working as an actor. I don’t believe I took the “wrong” path because there was nobody giving me much support; and pretty much everyone I know who has made it as an actor is either an offspring or never had to work a day in their life on anything but. So that is the long and short of it and I’m certainly not going to feel bad. If Tony Goldwyn couldn’t make it as an actor in the business there would have been something very wrong with him—for instance.
I was trying to piece together my calendar today but frankly I’m just not feeling all that up to snuff. I have a bunch of coldy symptoms which (as they usually do) should pass through me fairly quickly. I must resist the urge to cushion my brain in any way and, the first line of dietary defense, is my instituting some intermittent fasting which is what I did naturally when I was younger. When I look back to my late teens, early twenties, I think that I was something of a manorexic without knowing it. I remember, living in Paris, in 1985, I would go for long stretches without eating and would just order regular old tea with lemon to fill up my stomach. I realize now that I was following some instinct to work against (what has turned out to be) a genetic disposition to be a total fatty. Look I haven’t given myself a lot of time, now, leading up to my departure, twenty-eight days from now. But that is four solid weeks so that is something. I just got lost in social media what a total joke it all is. How does one reclaim there life in this day and age. Everybody is so concerned with being more amazing than the next person. I cannot wait to get out of this emotional wasteland for awhile. I don’t know how much attention people truly need. I just want to focus on giving people guidance and solace and a little bit of laughter in this life. The same people online praising the same other people in this endless chimerac swirl of nothingness. I will hope in vain to hear back today on the subject of books and my night will go too late dealing with repair people. I will be nearly too ill to eat but will manage to get through and then get into bed early with my afflictions.
To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree pointof the Sabian Symbol will be one degree higher than the one listed for today. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°, for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period. There are 360 degrees spread over 365 or 6 days per year—so they near but not exactly correlate.
Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go!
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