I honestly feel sometimes, as we likely all do, as if I’m born under an unlucky star. I would much rather have no opportunities than false ones, dangled in front of me, getting my hopes up only to have them dashed. I didn’t ask for the great assistance I was supposedly being given. It was offered. And I suppose I’m supposed to feel bad for having waited patiently for six months while people mull over the proposed work I handed over to them, only to have some great conference call, long-awaited, being just one more Unfortunately….
The whole reason I left the business of managers and lawyers and agents who lie for a living was so I didn’t have to feel this way. But the most incredible seeming opportunity lands in your lap, an offer really, let’s be frank. So you say okay. And then half a year later it’s turned into an excuse to wield some power of rejection. I never asked for it in the first place. People are freaking sadistic they really are. And what? I’m supposed to comfort myself with some belief in karma that they’ll get theirs? I’m not sure it works that way. Sometimes good things continue to happen to bad people. And this is exactly why I took myself out of the game: I am nobody’s reject. I am nobody’s victim of whim or avoidable circumstance. I decided long ago not to be led up some garden path. But you figure it’s such a close friend presenting you with the opportunity. And a very good friend indeed who shall remain so—not their fault. And what were we supposed to do? Say no to the opportunity. But how these things get turned around is beyond me. I just don’t want this sort of energy in my life as I did nothing to invite it. So I must just as easily let it fall to the wayside.
Meanwhile I’m mostly pissed off that I will lose another day to upset. I waited six months for a call to discuss the opportunity but instead the call was to dash it. Did not see that coming. And now I’m so upset I can’t even focus on the work that is at hand. My own work. The work nobody assigns me. The work I do for myself. Because I am a self-sufficient person who has never been really worked for anyone nor been on any kind of assistance nor had anyone give me any handouts. I have been working a job since I’m fourteen years old. And, like my father once said in the handful of praiseful things I remember him saying: “you live by your wits”. He meant that as a compliment.
Oh well live and learn; this too shall pass; insert cliche here. At least now there is no sense of being beholden. And, as is my blessing/curse, I already see the bright side. But I’m bone weary of wear from this emotional running raggedness, which is only the result of sloth. Still that bright side of not feeling pressured or to owe anyone anything. I have what I need and to have more or less is a choice. I don’t owe you or anyone anything.
Typos happen—I don’t have time or an intern to edit.*
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