Libra 20° (October 13)
Okay so here I am. It took me until three today to sit down to write today’s entry. It was a quiet day. I got a goodly amount accomplished, not nearly as much as I would have liked, however surely enough. There is time in case I need to run out and get something else from the shops, meanwhile I think I can just let go and enjoy this tiny bit of buzz I’ve created. I don’t need things to make logical sense right now. It is strange that I don’t speak to my own best man. He never liked me and I never liked him. This is something I realized only yesterday. I always had placeholder people in my life when I was young. I was more aspirational about people in my soul; but I never always managed to attract them, though there were certain times when I did so. Every day must be a process of letting go. I don’t write parodies or plays or poems or even prose. I write this and non-fiction. That’s the truth of the matter. I can feel my muscles seizing up as I write this the relaxant backfiring as it can at first often do. I’m physically full I know that but it’s okay. I could quickly drive to the store and they would never know would they? Or would they? I think I hurt my knuckles without knowing it, probably in the fall. Either that or I have a sudden auto-immune disorder. What if I just stopped. Everything. Right now. What if this is the worst it will be? Tired of tension and of twitching. Tired of watching past roll by on a two dimensional screen. This is all part of it so stay vigilant. I am talking to me and not you so don’t sweat it. I need to come down off my thrown and leave myself alone. This errant overseer won’t show up. He never finishes anything he starts. He was already in the process of suring up the deck, now it is demolished, and the back door blocked, which I’m going to consider something of a fire hazard. It has been this way for too too long. I have been overly kind and patient. But I must be cautious not to use this as an excuse either. There is always the library which can be very quiet. Or some cafe that doesn’t exist. I will not only get through this I will hit it out of the park. That is waht I have to do. I will phone about my shoulder or they will phone me. Four months ago I said this: Starting July 1 you will be writing a Blague entry a day about a place you frequent.Winter is the time for doing such things. I will make last minute apologies for Halloween. I have to be deposed and I have to focus on health and healing. This is how I’m feeling. Finally. Wonderful Full Moon tonight to mark the occasion.
I just learned (nearly two months later) that a local guy I became friendly with these last couple of years died in his sleep of natural causes. He was only forty two and had a young son. The randomness of this is really too much to bear. We never know what’s going on in people’s lives but there you have it. I must pause and I must go on. I didn’t know you well, but I will nonetheless carry a little bit of you forward. It is very sad. But I cannot save or change the world. And as always the only way forward is with greatest focus on self. I’m doing it again. I’m becoming distracted for no good reason. I will simply try to work my own magic. I have closed yet another local door. That is a pattern. I don’t need to be this sad anymore. I must get on my proper footing as someone who is meant to send something to me today most recently said. I do not like being made to feel like I’m high maintenance because I have high expectations. I only want people to do what they want to do—I don’t want to make people comply. That is not my responsibility. But then I certainly don’t want to be made to feel like I’m somehow uptight because people supposedly interested in working with us don’t contact us for six months. That is the problem. Not my reaction to the problem. It’s not the problem for me to say we have to move on because we have a deadline. I mean, seriously? What I’ve noticed with people as they get older is that they become very much interested in self preservation, which has its good aspects. But one of the negatives ones becomes a sort of superiority that stems from the narcissism around self care. Like I’m thin and I jog a lot so I don’t really need the approval of other people. Well maybe none of us need the approval of any of the rest of us. Or perhaps we all do. All I know is that self-reliance is where it has always been at. Even at high levels, or even in my personal life where I had never had any kind of assist but for in this past year, nothing works unless you personally work it. And I for one am truly excited about the prospect of making something major happen today. I must say I feel a bit on edge. Where is that script for stuff, anyway? I found a letter from my primary care and I opened it only to realize it was the script he forgot to send me home with; and then somehow I lost that. I have no idea where it went. I wouldn’t have thrown it away and anyway I’ve looked through the trash and don’t see it. So very odd.
Anyway we spent last night eating lightly and having some good fun in regard to reading new thought leaders that are floating our boat these days. Beginning to feel more like myself after a good deal of time not. I’m going to spend a couple of hours creating a little narrative about where I am in my current pforcess. I have some notebooks I can work from and I’m ready to hit the ground running on Wednesday, really, if I’m being honest, working on three pages a day those three days. Meaning the snapshot should really happen by the end of the day tomorrow. You have no idea what I’m talking about and frankly I don’t give much of a damn. A little but not much. In other words, it is, as they say, all good I just need to average a page a day and I’ll be in groovy shape. Enough of this as I now hae a soul to bare for the next forty minutes. I’ll post that experience next.
To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree pointof the Sabian Symbol will be one degree higher than the one listed for today. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°, for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period. There are 360 degrees spread over 365 or 6 days per year—so they near but not exactly correlate.
Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go!
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