Taurus 7° (April 26)
Was up in the night itching like crazy. Watched whatever historical Renaissance episodic I could find and tried to sleep through them in turn, viewing three in their entirety. I think back to my sophomore year of college. Little did I know then that that would be my last year of solo life, and I was but nineteen. For all the infinite positivity surrounding being in a couple, at the age I am now, there is a certain sadness surrounding not being solo more than two years in one’s young life. I went to the Esplanade with some lesbian whose name I can’t remember. But she was fierce and tough but super glam. I will at some point recall her name, I don’t think it is lost forever. It isn’t Yvonne but it might as well have been. I think she was trying to get me to identify as gay. Anyway I just remember one day lying in the sun, and one evening spent at her house in Brookline, in the summer of 1983, when I went to 1270 for the first time, on mushrooms, having just walked on a ledge of a brownstone (at a frat party on Marlborough Street?) where I could have so easily fallen to my death. This makes me sound so weird and crazy which I wasn’t not. Getting drunk on beer in the afternoon. I must wake tomorrow feeling very clever indeed. I was thinking about all the random things today as I continue to battle my uninvited guests. Guests I now feel I know a bit better and will will away. That was not a typo.
I am half remembering a dream. I was in the West Village and perhaps felt that I belonged there. I have the ability to move to any remote New England town, now, and set myself up with a life. I think Castine might end up being the answer. We can probably fly a little plane up there. Anyway it is the dream. Or one of them. There are many more. All I have to do for the next ninety minutes is right, calmly. I can always make an excuse tomorrow, but I determined not to. If I give myself two full days to write compelling copy there should be no reason why I would be thwarted. That is still the plan. I am mainly alone today as S. is in her office doing a surplus of workshops. We will have that chowder for lunch and I am going to make lovely little burgers for lunch. Kim Jung Un is nowhere to be found. Carl Jung is a biography that I have been in the middle of for some time. I did manage to read a bit of a novel this morning which was very nice. I am going to let myself get a little lost and then as the week begins I will once again find my footing. I’ve said it before but this isolation mainly hits home the fact that I don’t have very many friends at the ready. I can’t think of a single person who has beamed in to check on me. I will let that go and continue to reach out and touch others. One at a time. Every day. I came across a clip of us doing a reading at 411 Gallery and so I searched for some kind of script for the presentation and couldn’t find one. So I will create a file of this, which I found in an old Blague. It was a Valentine’s thing
Aries, You are the Warrior of Love
Objectifying with Life-giving Lust Jabbing Us with Burning Spear or Cooly Pitting Us in Battle Over Rich Delta—Ever Leading the Charge, You Are most Enviable, Primal Self Love
Taurus, You are the Guardian of Love
Drawing Us To Your Green Garden of Delight To Sniff and Pluck—You Will be Appreciated and Cultivated; Belong and be Worshipped as We All Should The Flower God’s Green Earth
Gemini, You’re the Booker of Love, Buzzing with Sweet Provocation and Confusion—or what Confucious said? You’re the Apple tossed, the question mark—the Divining Mind of Duality The Love of Community all Cunning
Cancer, You are the Mystic of Love Waxing and Waning Pure Intuition Your Prince or Princess Will Come As You Prepare The Way to Recover What Is Lost and Let What Should Be Yours a Love Raining on You and Me
Leo, You are the Magesty of Love Building Castles and Moats to Passion Locking Heaviest Doors of Loyalty Creating Children, Real and Brain You Endure Eternal Ecstacy and Pain
Endowed with Loving good Authority
Virgo, You’re the Conscience of Love Healing Humbly, Critiquing Sharply Oft Deffering, Demurring, Digesting You, the Catalyst of Loving Change, Make Lemons out of Lemonade, the Love in Service to those Most in Need
Libra, You are the Equalizer of LoveSpreading Yourself Thick and Even
An abstract Artist of Aesthetic Beauty You Seek Harmony in Composition Blending Voices So We’re All Heard
Figuratively speaking: Fairest of them
Scorpio, You are the Miner for Love
The Buried Treasure of Deep Desire
Stinging Us with our Own Truth and, Meaning Not That Much Harm, You Unearth, Excavate, Out Damn Spots! Cleanse as you Slither into our Hearts.
Sagittarius, You are the Joker of Love Jovial Wild Card, We Risk On You Striking Anywhere, Rarely Twice You Ignite Multiple Fires of Love and Understanding. What’s So Funny? Oh, How You Burn and Blind Third Eyes!
Capricorn, You’re Container of Love. A mountain of Faith, all limit to Fear.
Bathing our brow from placid resevoir You lay down strict Laws of Devotion Using All in Your Power to Love; and Urging Us To the Highest Peaks of It
Aquarius, you are the Beacon of Love Iluminating its renewable resource, all diversely, indiscriminately dispensing Plenty to go round. A trip to bountiful Tie-dyed, rainbow suspender Unicorn Love Universal, dirty stars atwinkling
Pisces, you are the Essence of Love
Dissolved in fog, foaming longing. Behind veiled curtain you call, Siren Breaking us on tender infinite shore, Home to total Love, spirit awash in unerring nutritive detritus of dreams
The following blocks of texs are exceprts from my first year of Blagues, nos. 181-185 I am reading through all my Blagues, five per day, and posting some samples here. Now, in my sixth year of writing this Blague, but the time I get to my seventh, I will have through all the daily Blagues of my first five years. If that’s confusing I apologize:
A year ago I was rather reeling from some blows to my own wee me-go; now, a year on, I feel very happy to have been purified in the fire of my own being. You see, I had these friends (so-called) one of whom I could only really take in small doses—we’d been friends since the mid eighties—and from whom I tried to remain lovingly detached. This fellow always had to be center of attention and grandstand, flaunting his material wealth, and never entering into anyone elses world. He had to play host, never guest. He was a control freak and everything always had to be the exact same in terms of an evening spent with friends. Cooking together and playing some kind of board games. Bored. Games. So I was going for small doses but he would retaliate with some psychic Scorpion sting if we politely declined every other invitation. I was labelled “erratic” by this individual because I didn’t consistently comply and conform to his sinister need to be the host with the most. And he started to create a subtext and spread rumors based on his own opinions which he experienced as facts. And he convinced a bunch of mutual friends that I was acting loony. Seriously. You can’t make this shite up.
So, although I did ultimately give him a snootful piece of my mind on the subject, I basically just let it happen. I figured if people were followers enough (this individual had accolytes, to whom he played a maniacal guru role—see, I am still on theme here—a bevy of sycophants, not really friends, who thought they would benefit by way of his association) to buy into this character assasination, then so be it. It is against my personal religion to resist such large tidal shifts in human relationships. If I were to “lose” this entire circle of so-calleds then perhaps it truly was meant to be. Well, it truly was meant to be. Because a) it made me stronger via the working through of the ego pain of being effectively dumped when I was kindly trying to, as I say, small-dose things as a means of keeping some kind of relationship with this chap; and b) stepping out from the shadow of others’ perspective and assigned role freed me to be that much more fiercely individual this past year; and, others’ opinions be damned, I feel for the first time in my life that I really didn’t give a crap about what others thought of me. And so I made some great strides creatively this year but also in terms of personal development and growth and discpline, including the initation of this blague which is the blogging equivalent of dancing while nobody’s looking; and c) for the first time ever I feel unanchored enough to actually attract slash stumble upon slash welcome a masterful presence into my life.
To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree pointof the Sabian Symbol may at times be one degree higher than the one listed here. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°, for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period. There are 360 degrees spread over 365/6 days per year—so they nearly, but not exactly, correlate.
Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go!
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