Leo 12° (August 3)


Only slept from ten to two then I was up until five. S. went out to grab some coffees while I did a little writing. Then again for some overnight oats and a salad we could have at break time, as we have two clients (among our faves) today. I’m still in something of a fog and am feeling that same old anxiety I feel in my “real life”returning. I know there is a way to combat it and I will do so for sure. It will take today and tomorrow to get my brain completely around what is required over the next five weeks. I’m not in terrible shape but I could be in a much better position. It really has a lot to do with coordination or even, you might say, choreography. I am on my way. I just need some rest. When the first appointment leaves I will have a little of that corn and cabbage salad. Then when the second appointment is through we will underachieve and walk over to Select and have some oysters and crudo and cauliflower and grilled octopus and beet salad with some nice wine and then go for a little walk—to Eataly for some stuff to have in the room this evening. I will be asleep before long and then awake again at 11am and stay up until 3—this jet lag is really kicking my butt right now.

Tomorrow I will wake early and we will go to Flour for breakfast and I’ll continue to Insta on my private but also get the ball rolling on the festival social media as well. There are a great many moving parts as I keep saying but I have to project such a positive attitude now if we are going to bring this baby home. And home we shall bring it. I will take a little walk and the go back to Eataly and get some of that pricey white La Stoppa. It will be a transition (and that means TV) night. We might think about getting a car from Ptown but if not the bus will surely do I need to get four singles for that. S. came back from her appointment and I was all about the Afterglow (and still am). I shoved all my stuff into suitcases which wasn’t the easiest thing to do in the end; and took a shower and just put my dirty clothes back on. We left the room and went down for what was a bit of an emotional goodbye to Arthur. He has been such a bright light in my life for so long now it is hard to imagine being at the Eliot without him. S. has his information and I’m sure we’ll stay in touch. I did grab his hands and say “son we will miss you” and I think he understand fully the depth of feeling in this expression. All the usual P-town fixtures are pretty much null to me at this point. That DD is a thief and so blatant a one I refuse to disguise his name here. Karmically, I can and will do nothing, and I feel such compassion because I know it will not end well for him. I feel that way about EM too. And to a lesser degree LR. These people are all horrible and that is the truth. And so-called best friends have been demoted to vague aquaintances. I’m sick to death of the sycophants. I have to stop focusing on the detractors and look to those who celebrate. I will need to assume that resonance. It is the truth. I am among the brightest lights for a reason. Those who don’t appreciate me cannot be allowed access to me; that has been my fatal flaw—trying to be liked—which was set up by dynamics in my family, namely, with my tyrrannical father and sister who is the worse person on the planet and little wonder shares the same birthday with the imposter preseident.  The kind people that I meet, the political journalists and teachers and chefs and directors react to S. and me the way people should.

I  know that in order to be happy I have to forgo everything. Everyone must go. All the glam and the stuff and the privilege. I have tried to tell the people what and how I feel but my words are lost on them. I will be making a major sacrifice because I will not be the one who ends up with everything. Yet I do have it all. I am not good with glut. I only feel truly myself when in Spartan mode; and because of that I can enjoy all the excess when it is happening. I have to have my “familiars”, my touch stones.

To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree pointof the Sabian Symbol will be one degree higher than the one listed for today. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°,  for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period. There are 360  degrees spread over 365 or 6 days per year—so they near but not exactly correlate.

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go!
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