Sagittarius 3° (November 25)
After all I’ve had my fun. And there are no external hits to be had right now. Including from the wine cellar or social media. So I am letting it all go. I want to say I gave the work at hand my absolute all while it is happening. The rest is uncluttering, unfriending, merchandising, packing, organizing, casting spells, playing piano, giving to charity, researching, playing ukulele, dancing and singing, sleeping and reading and cooking and cleaning and shopping and dreaming and scheming while keeping the barbarians at bay. They have no power here after all. The age of the bullies is over. I will no longer be gaslit or available to the abuse. This has all made me stronger, especially mentally. This is the thing about being a Libra. When we are mentally fit, the power of our mind is muscular and mighty indeed. You do not want to fuck with me, because I am too nice, and when crossed I will cut you. It has been nice to connect virtually with more people but it is a very pale substitute for being surrounded by friends and family, a word representing a concept that has eluded me in this lifetime. But like this isolation I must accept it and channel it and let it deepen my self-understanding and my resolve. A sentence like that makes me think that it is that same brand of insight I must offer those in my chapitres. What then should we come up with. I know that I am in it for the long haul. I am not just writing one book. I want to write a book a year for the next twenty odd years. That is the way to do it. To always be writing and always searching the interior. All the more reason to live more remotely and have nature at one’s disposal. There are many roads and the all unfortunately lead to the same place, if you catch my drift. So what’s the use of worrying. Everything always takes longer than it should but at least, for now we are protected. I have just a few more minutes before I dive back into work and I guess I just wanted to say that, well, a couple of things: First, it does feel good to feel which so much of so-called normal life dulled us to doing. Second, that I’m pleasantly surprise how quickly my psyche adjusts to changes in lifestyle and I think back on the fact that I was probably at my worst when I was at my healthiest. Thin and doing a ton a yoga in a given week let me off the hook to indulge in winey dinners out and the like which really didn’t feed my spirit in any kind of significant way. The humility of our larger situation and being forced into doing for, and right by, myself feel like an around unto itself. Even as I have friends, the couple variety, specifically, I get marginalized be heteronormality because so long as “the gals” keep in touch with each other it ticks a box for being in touch with me as well. Which it really totally fucking does not. So my form of isolation, already magnified by not having any family to speak of, is made all the more profound. But you know what? Good. Because I am letting the darkness and isolation move in and me and allowing it impact my psyche, to pressurize it, like so much deeply embedded rock and stone, churning in the heat, close to the magna core, where diamonds are being wrought. And when I rise with them in hand they will be mine, all mine.
The following blocks of text are exceprts from my first year of Blagues, nos. 1191-1195 I am reading through all of my Blagues, five per day, and posting some samples here. Now, in my sixth year of writing this Blague, by the time I get to my seventh, I will have journeyed through all the daily Blagues of my first five years. If that’s confusing I apologize. Year seven, I’ll only have to read through year six, once a day.
Well, again we woke up earlier than everybody, except Neil who had to be up at dawn today as we are getting a new pilot on board and Al will take us from Alaska into B.C.. We spoke to Neil about his Uncle Dave, the hairy potter, and he asked me about Afterglow and I mentioned the whole 333 synchronicity. And we deconstructed The Godfather. Had an ask from Ben and Rizo about booking something in Boston, which was a great excuse to reach out to City Winery in response. Not to mention the venue they are playing in Portland. All this sort of thing is coming together. And I had a breakfast parfait of fruit and yoghurt for breakfast.
I put out a ton of feelers regarding next week; and City Winery got right back in touch with me which is also great. Only thing is I had to stop the works because J. needed wifi again allow the newest version of the movie to come in, which is right. And anyway we’ve been sort of stuck in customs for the last several hours. It’s just that weird kind of day where nothing is really moving. We had cous cous and halibut and steak for lunch with a cauliflower salad which really was quite delightful. Apparently A. had something of an upset in that her tenants didn’t pay her, which is too bad. Jill and Flo left just yesterday and they are probably already back home now in Zurich. How fortunate we are that we live in a time of air travel. It’s weird to think that just one hundred years ago the miracles of our lives would be impossible.
Anyway, in the spirit of stalled momentum I thought I would insert something I wrote in my green journal by hand some days before we set out on this excursion:
I have been four miles on the beach every day on average, which is challening; and I haven’t been drinking or eating sweets; and yet I’m not losing weight. Still as I build lower body muscle my upper body is beginning to slim down. I am, though, shaped like a frog and there is nothing much I can do about that. I will continue to eat light during this next few weeks on the boat. I need to stay clear haded and abstemious for a number of reasons, all under the heading of confidence. Look, I know I’m a mental case, and that I probably have o.c.d.—all the more reason to give myself positive messaging. I won’t be able to spend the day on the beach today and just to act up my look a bit.
I am aware of the irony of having written that paragraph a couple weeks ago; and the nonsense of the last sentence is due to my inability to read my own handwriting; and there is more:
Today id d start with an annoyance frrom a new arist; psychologically I need to get ahead of all the projects. I have been spinning simultaneously it all comes back again to units of time. And this trip has got to be a mga reset for me. What if I think starting today that I will bring in 2K per day. I don’t see why I can’t affect that. I will be writing people in my downtime for contributions in the coming weeks.
This was followed up with:
I can’t get over the lack of support from the new crop a gazillinaires who have washed up on our shores. I need to start vibrating on a much higher level. And the intros for next year’s books should be a “general year ahead for the sign, drawing from old magazine features we have done. It will go on the list to outreach to magazines.
Anyway, I’m glad I got that bit of old diary entry unstuck as we wait here for some kind of go ahead to sail further south. The cloud cover is so thick and so low it isn’t even worth photographing anything outside. We shan’t even sit at the table tonight; instead it will be movie night, where we eat whilst watching, which is also great. Some folks are having a dry night. I myself am not.
Last night was a bit of a blow out. I think because of feeling stalled, as I said yesterday, we might have gone a bit to far. We weren’t really supposed to. After a late night last night after canapés of beatroot and cream, and salami and truffle, and a dinner of squid ink linguine with shrimps, and some kind of berry pie, ate in front of the tele watching Godfather 2, puntuated with crunches of popcorn (I gave our cheesey variety we picked up in Ketchikan to the crew). Anyway when I got up to pee everyone but Aine was gone; so we finished watching G2 and drank more red wine and then we watched half of Bridesmaids with some brandy. She didn’t really watch the TV; instead she was texting her boyfriend I suppose. I kept redirecting her to the screen until I just gave up. Anyway it was nice to hang out with her alone; I was feeling a bit like she was angry at me since we got on board. Maybe because I suggested she not feed the dog while at the table lest Bronte not leave her alone for the rest of the trip. Anyway I know nothing could be further from the truth and that, if she was irked, she was irked in a way that friends can be with one another. I have true affection for her and I believe it’s mutual.
Anyway, I still got up early today, which was another foggy semi stuck day. They were peddling English muffins but I stuck to fruit. It seems the only time I have any wiillpower at all is at breakfast; actually that’s not really true. I seem to be doing okay. The whole John Derian thing has been bubbling up in me again. I feel so hurt at what happened. And I wish I hadn’t retaliated with such force as I had. The fact is he was an abuser all the years we were friends; and a gaslighter, which he continues to be. I’ve noticed a marked change in what might be labelled our mutual friends. But my challenge is to transcend it. I can’t be stuck in that sort of crap. I have such good friends and such a good consultancy and even the festival, though it is like pulling teeth this year, provides some sense of pleasure and purpose. I just want more of it. And who would have seen what was to come this day. Wow.
So lunch was a delicious chicken cacciatore with white asparagus salad and roasted potatoes and some kind of sorbet i don’t remember what exactly. I did a lot of outreach in advance of my work-time in Reading and that felt right to a point. It is easy for me to overdue this type of work. It’s where I get a bit addicty. Anyway this was the day I stayed in room mainly; and I sort of waited for my head to clear which it ultimately did. And then suddenly, with the time change I guess, it was dinner time and boy oh boy. We had canapés of crab circled in cucumber sheets—delicious and light—and then very lean lamb loin with veal sweetbreads, which I normally don’t eat, but did (also ate S.’s) and what seemed like drugged Rioja. The dinner theme was sort of creature-like, we all had masks, and we were supposed to come up with a name for our character and also a mythos. I got as far as naming myself (a leopard) Silenzio; and S. who was a deer/stag called herself Batchel. The conversation centered on what kind of man men are. We had the story about “dégage” and Mr. Big Voice which, thankfully, I didn’t have to employ; and J. told story about her creepy uncle. We were planning on playing charades but instead the crew had set up a game for us the name of which escapes me; but it was good fun and took hours to play as Rioja fueled conversation welted and weaved through our foggy, cabin fevered brains.
The next thing I knew it was nearly 5am and I had fallen asleep—and snored!—on the sofa whilst Aine and J. and S girl-talked for hours. The latest night of all and it ended with me munching down on a thousand pistachios as I made my way to bed to sleep for four hours.
The thing I have to remind myself is that I have gotten up quite early most days. True I have yet to get into a kayak or to go fishing, but it’s not something that necessarily motivates me. Perhaps in the next day or two before leaving I’ll ask for some kind of lesson on that score and see where it takes me. Ah, the perils of a city boy in the wilderness of Alaska and British Columbia. Today started off a bit on the slow side and on the late side. I did not rise until 10am; and S. stayed in bed. I was rather shocked to see J. at the breakfast table but she did go right back to sleep after. My arm has really been bothering me and today I noticed a giant bruise. I’m trying not to be Movie-of-the-Week about it but it doesn’t feel great. I can’t really exercise it as it seems to make it worse so the most activity I’ve done is slip in and out of a hot tub. I suppose I could request a massage but I hate to push my luck about these things. There were vegan blueberry muffins but I didn’t eat them.
Up on the top deck this morning trying to catch up a bit on writing while also just wantintg to sit in the sun and read magazines. The fog cleared readily and we headed to put the bow into a waterfall which is always nice. And as N. says maybe more about the captain than it is about us at this point. There were threats of seeing spirit bears (white black bears?) but it didn’t happen. There was also mention of a ghost town which apparently came and went. It is absolutely beautiful here but very, very remote. Still one wonders what opportunities the area has to offer—or one would if one were twenty not nearly fifty five. Good lord how did I get to be this old. No wonder I have some kind of ache and pain. Otherwise I feel as if I’m twenty five. Actually better probably.
I did manage to draft some letters to sponsors and sparklers for the festival and to put together a document whereby setting up travel for the artists will be simplified. I don’t think I’ll try to do any of that on the boat however and will instead wait until Tuesday at the earliest to make that happen. I will try to make that all work in just a matter of two hours; the only potential stress at this point is fundraising and the book intros. But you know what. It will be what it will be. And I will have a month when I get back to the Cape during which time I will amil to make $30K in 30 days. All the while taking our beach walks and otherwise trying to enjoy ourselves.
My nerves felt a bit shot and my arm was really acting up at lunch. I could tell because even holding fork in left hand felt challenging. Lunch was delcious take on fish and chips with homemade tartar sauce. And I employed liberal amounts of malt vinegar. There was (again I think black cherry) sorbet. S. tried to sleep during the day, several times, here and there, but to no avail. K. had a big breakfast of bacon and eggs. I could almost bring myself to have that tomorrow. Dinner was to be an astrology theme and Cat asked if we would deliver some kind of presentation, so I put my mind to it. Why not.
We had a lovely salmon jerky again and a warm goat cheese with bread sticks. J and I had bloody marys which were so smokey and spicey and dinner with red wine was venison Wellington and the pudding was something I can’t quite remember. Oh well, there has to be one thing that slips through the cracks, eh? The astrology bit went over a little like a lead balloon but that’s okay. Oh I know the dessert was a sort of semi-fredo with strawberries and a kind of icing. K. wanted to play charades but people were tired so I suggested we watch Romy and Michelle. Actually I wanted to watch K. watch it which she said “wasn’t too creepy.” Wow it is really dated as a film but still people enjoyed it I think. We went to bed relatively early and I slept weirdly knowing that Sunday would be my last full day.
The last full day of anything is tough, never mind saying goodbye to dear friends and the incredible holiday they provide by having us on a luxury yacht. I mean come on. It is such a gift and I pinch myself every time we come on this boat. I feel strangely used to it which might be a bit dicey for a close friendship. But there are few people I trust more in the world than these wonderful folk; and I cannot say how beside myself with joy I am at having had the oopportunity to do this.
S. was given some magesium last night designed to help her sleep and I think it worked; so I tip-toe’d out by around six o’clock this morning and got a little bit of writing done. Let’s face it: I’m not hitting required marks they way I need to be hitting them but what the hell. There is nothing I can really do about that. I needed this holiday more than I realized. And I have to say I’ll need a few days to recover from the fun of it all.
We travelled quite a few (six) hours down to the bay we are in now. I had fruit and eggs and turkey bacon for breakie; and I tried to get a bit of work done in the morning. Lunch seemed to be minutes after. It was light however in that we had lobster tails, king crab and scallops with a bean and greens salad with lychee sorbet for pudding. Then we had a few minutes to change clothes and throw bathing suits into a bag and head out in the tender for this tiny cover where there was a 1.2 km path up to a fresh water lake. A big lake it was, called Scaget or something, and the water was filled with pyrite so it was literrally gold. And there were others there, Canadians of mixed white and native blood.
We noticed some of the locals were actually floating atop logs, as if they were rafts or rustic boogie boards designed for no wave water. I was wheezing a bit on the way up which I think troubled N. whom I had to reassure that my lungs need to acclimate to woodsy environments, my brain deciding what is really an allergen or not. It settled pretty quickly. Still I could do with a bit of cardio make no mistake. I’m going to take the month leading up to Afterglow to go completely carb free. And after this trip, alcohol free as well me thinks. I could definitely need a break and so could my liver.
There wasn’t much time between tea and dinner which was actually a buffet and party for “crew night”. We all submitted stories about ourselves and divided into teams, N. on one and J. on the other. We won. Stories included being almost abducted as a child, peeing in the woods when a plane crashed just hundreds of feet away, sending a sexty pic to a coworker accidentally, and other less interesting things. Some of the food was pulled pork ban-mi, fresh summer roles, terayaki beef, bbq’d chicken, pizza which i didn’t get to eat, followed by all sorts of cupcakes. The galley staff were the real stars tonight.
Everyone got to elaborate on their stories and the crew learned much about their proprietors, I’d say. The kids were cute and funny and I really feel a stronger connection with them. We then watched the first Monsters Inc which I had never seen. It was totally cute. To bed….
And up too early
And up too early…for what needs happen today, but such is life. We drank naught but champagne last night which means I feel good if not a bit nervy. Woke at 5 o’clock and it’s seven now and I’ve just been sort of faffing about. I want to leave here with total optimism and I hope that will be achievable. I think Zak and Aine will and we will head to the airport together today. We will fly out of Bella Bella to which we are sailing now. I’m going to throw on some clothes and go grab some coffee now…..I just want to get my packing done and take a nap. It’s challenging being on different schedules sharing the same space because one person typically ends up having to drag themselves around in the wake of the other person’s habits, which I find tiring at best.
It was just me and A. at the breakfast table, N. came through to take the doggie ashore. I did not have the banana bread. Funny how people write a daily blog; but it isn’t always just me talking about what I’m doing on any given day; however, these past weeks, I have enjoyed just recounting, pretty vaguely, what’s been happening. Because it’s important to me: this time. I have never so thoroughly enjoyed myself (in both meanings of the word) as I have these past weeks. I am concerned about money and my shoulder but really that’s about it.
We did some packing and took a hot tub for a super short time; and then dried our swimsuits in the sun while I finally took a few minutes to read a magazine. Everybody has decided to go into the town on the island off which we are floating, but I don’t like doing things before I leave. I like to do nothing before I leave anywhere. I like to Zen my packing and my eating and my thinking and just let things fall into place. I will look at the pictures today. And I will be happy to go to lunch totally packed and just relax into this day. I felt like I was drugged almost, I was so relaxed. And I was curious about lunch which turned out to be jerk chicken and, uh-oh can’t remember. I know I had some kind of sald and roti which was a repeat and very delicious .We had the Haut Pecblah, blah bla rosé which was a return to the beginning of the trip. And after an espresso we got a tour of the galley and the engine room which was really quite something. We watched some Pixar shorts and then waited for S.’s white shirt to reappear and then the grand goodbyes which I really love/hate.
Zak, Aine, S and I were tendered to Campbell Island where we got a taxi to the airport. I had spent all morning online looking at the airline that flew out of Bella Bella, only to find that we were not on that airline but were on a special charter which itself must have cost a pretty penny. I’m always surprised and I hope I’m never not in a sense. We had to hang out for a bit in the “airport” and then Chris and…forget the other guy’s name, Karl maybe, (he was probably the pilot) walked us over the tarmac to the plane and we took some photos whilst boarding. It was luxe. Almost like nothing is luxe. It was surely the combination of this tiny plane from nowhere going to Vancouver and that pretty penny. We had wine on board and fruit and Zak being eighteen gobbled up the available food. It was my favorite flight of all my lifetime, seriously; just the four of us on board seated family style across from one another. S. stared out the window and didn’t speak which I’m used to, but I don’t think they were. But A. totally got it. She’s such a good person.
We landed in Vancouver and were taxi’d to our terminals which were adjacent but we had to part company pretty much straight away. Aine and Zak were in the international departure area and we were in domestic so we kissed and hugged and rolled our bags onward to the next connected terminal only to find our flight was delayed due to weather in Toronto. As it was we were going to arrive Toronto in the middle of the night; and have a three-hour layover. Now it just seemed disgusting. So we rebooked ourselves for tomorrow and rolled our way back through the terminal to the Fairmont hotel. They gave us a room for their supposed half a price. We had a weird but kind of good snacky dinner of crab cakes and chicken wings and Caesar salad and local wine and went to bed. Banal? Perhaps.
To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree point of the Sabian Symbol may at times be one degree higher than the one listed here. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°, for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period. There are 360 degrees spread over 365/6 days per year—so they nearly, but not exactly, correlate.
Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2020 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved. Get your HAUTE ASTROLOGY 2020 Weekly Horoscope ebooks by Starsky + Cox.