Libra 13° (October 5)
Day Fifty-Three E.D.A.N.O.W.W. Probably the second worse day of my life. I get this weird text from would-be landlord overnight saying he wants to speak. We just spoke yesterday so I responded, knowing he can be eccentric, that we just spoke yesterday remember. He said something like “I reiterate, call me” which was a bit hostile and weird. So I call him today and he is suddenly Mr. Hyde and the whole of our negotiations all summer long go to shit and he says the deal is off and hangs up on me. I go into shock. My muscles stiffen so much so that I can’t move and I can’t even type or anything. I go fetal. I have chest pains. I dial 911 on my phone and only resist hitting the call button. I tried to reach out to the one loved one and I did get a message back which meant the world. I take what I can get. And seriously it was touch and go all day long. I can’t leave the house. My muscles are so stiff I can barely walk. I can venture a grilled cheese sandwich and that’s all I can muster for the day. I draft emails to my love and to my lawyer both. And then my internet goes down. Xfinity has an outage for basically nine hours. I am in a house, after going fetal, feeling as I’m dying, and then I have no phone or internet or TV. It really is a dire day. I cry for most of it. All I can do is put on Friends reruns and binge in the fetal position. I muster some cottage cheese. I will be up all night. I am realizing I have spent a thousand dollars eating out this past month and feel weird about it. Then I realize I haven’t taken a vacation in….hmmm? I think the last time was 2019. So fuck it. Not only am I allowed a staycation, but I can also splurge on eating out because cooking for myself has become so fucking depressing. I make food and then when it’s ready I cry and eat two bites. I miss our long beach walks. I miss all the banal things. The little things meant the most and the fact they aren’t missed makes me realized how little investment. I need to reclaim myself. That’s the bit I need to start to comprehend. If my high school friends new I was still crying every night and writing long emails begging and pleading for reconciliation, I would be kicked out of the New Jersey club. The truth of the matter is that the people from my earliest beginnings have been the freaking best. I adore living on Cape Cod, and in New England in general, but the people I grew up with have the most empathy and understanding. We did not grow up as stoics like these folks have. And what’s been revealed is how much like things folks from my roots I’m ike. I was looking at my Instagram versus other’s Instagram. Mine is filled with photos of my loved one. I barely made an appearance in my sigother’s. Not that I can be exact. Because I’ve been blocked. I still can’t get over the fact I’ve been blocked. Once I get through this I am going to emerge way different than I’ve been. I should like to go deep into the next fortnight. I have to make this shit happen. I cannot go fetal any more. That creep will pay. I don’t have to do anything. He will get his. I will learn he has mental health issues and I am compassionate but this day takes the fucking cake.
To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree point of the Sabian Symbol may at times be one degree higher than the one listed here. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°, for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period.
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