Aquarius 7° (January 27)
I am noticing a shift on my behavior toward a hyperfunctionality that I find somewhat disturbing. I wrote this sentence a couple of days ago and I almost feel completely opposite now.The point is that I am a creature, as we all are, of highs and lows; and there comes a time when one really has to come to terms with Mr. Inbetween. I’ve never liked him but I’m thinking now that he might be the perfect entity to befriend at this juncture. Something about being alone on the weekend kind of shocked me into a certain realization of myself: I am the prime cause of any unhappiness I suffer. Not to say that people haven’t done me wrong because they have, but the truth is I am really ready to let go of all that now in a way I haven’t before. I must take responsibility for befriending people whom, upon meeting them, the word run was flashing across the screen of my mind. But I’ve been a glutton all my life for stones from which I can’t get blood because that was the relationship dynamic I had growing up in my household. But I’m now in my advancing years and I can’t afford this anymore. I have learned over the last five years especially how to be alone; and that has been helpful but not the entirety of the equation necessary now to lead a good life. I will admit that I am not at my best upon writing this but the happy paradox of that is what feels like a new unyielding desire to be the best I can be. This shall require baby steps because as good as I can be to myself, I too have mimicked the behavior of others in my early life and have undervalued myself in a way that is no longer tenable.
I was writing some thoughts on the signs’ “experience” these last few days but I need to take a bit of a break from that because the whole point of it was to killt two birds with the same stone: to make some new ideological inroads about the signs while remaining true to this daily Blague with information you might want to read. As if I have readers. Although I realize I might be surprised. And anyway that is all about to change because I will be changing it. There is so much bubbling beneath the surface right now and I feel as if my only job is to let it and participate in that bubbling. I don’t want to overachieve in the least right now; and I’m not going to push anybody to move the needle either, despite there being so, so many needles right now. I’ve learned my lesson about rushing other people; it only ever backfires. I will wait until next week to start putting feelers out on that score. I am determined to prove to myself that I can hit my marks; but I am not going to work myself into exhaustion ever again. And I need to devote myself to the well-being of others too. That is the best part of doing client work. I can make myself completely available to other people’s happiness and fulfillment. It makes a huge difference in ones life to be fortunate enough to do that; I think I/we would do it even if it weren’t an aspect of our livelihood. In fact I know I would. It’s just how I’m built; and honestly, it is the role I played with my parents—mediator—in our earliest life together. I was psychologist to them before I was five years old, sitting them down on either side of me on our tiny sofa in our Jersey City apartment, urging them to find middle ground. This must have seemed so odd to them, now that I think about it. But when I think of myself, I almost remember feeling shocked at the time by having the wherewithall, as if I were an old soul of sorts, although I never considered myself a very, very old one.
I have gone through so many phases in my spiritual development, and I’ve entertained some pretty kooky belief systems along my path. I think I always vacilated between a certain sexual abandon and a need to find some semblance of god, in turns, during my teens and early twenties. There is nothing wrong with sowing wild oats but I seem to have been doing it in these two directions, getting as many spiritual ya yas out as I did lusty ones. Now I think it may have been the same energy flowing in not necessarily opposite but often parallel directions. I wanted some sense of the transcendent and also of comfortable oblivion and they both promised some taste I guess. Now of course I’ve spent a lifetime opening cosmic, spiritual channels. I didn’t know then, for instance, that I could be as psychic as I have exhibited over the years. Although, of late, I feel a bit dulled in regard to that faculty. But, like with the whole ball of wax I’m attempting to tackle here, I know the best course of action for better tapping into it. It’s about being clear (not to be confused with going clear). It’s about lifestyle, too, and making more rooms for passions of the more quotidien variety. This I can do.
To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree of the Sabian Symbol may be higher than the one listed here as the symbols cluminate in the next degree. There are 360 degrees spread over 365 days.
Typos happen—I don’t have time or an intern to edit.*
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