Libra 18° (October 10)
Day Fifty-Eight E.D.A.N.O.W.W. Working on the rental agreement and already have a pit in my stomach because of the present landlord situation. I really can’t relax until this is all signed and sealed. I’m already realizing how much I am procrastinating this situation. I daren’t get my hopes up. Not much conversation with the lawyer and after doing all due diligence it all turns into a hurry up and wait situation. I just want to laugh again. And try to get myself back on track here. Once I start packing I will have to do so with a vengeance. I had begun much of the process when I thought we were readying to move to a dream house together. I know so much of what I write here is a lament of this horrible year. I thought the real-estate issue was a problem but on the day it settled my relationship, such as it was, was over. I can’t help but wonder who it was who was the chauffer that evening. I suspect it was B.C.. He has hated me for some time now and he would have reveled in the demise of our wonderful partnership. I need to start thinking about my reinvention, but I know I won’t be there yet until November comes along. On top of it all I am tasked with lawyer paperwork. Won’t it be so good to have a lot of this behind us. There is no recognition of the amount of work I am doing on both our behalves, still. I am happy that Matt calls me today although my landline is kaput. The only thing that freaks him out is my suddenly beginning to cry which, even at such long distance, he has an ability to redirect (me) and keep it from happening. I don’t think anybody really understands what I’m going through. I think people want me to get over it in an instant. I had a close British friend say to me in a sort of cavalier manner that I should get over it, “onwards and upwards” to which I responded that the phrase sounded like something a casting director tells an actor who didn’t get the part. My friend called me mean as a result, and I thought: I really wasn’t being mean at all. I was saying that not just you but most if not all of my UK friends have a much more “move on” approach to what I’m going through. I wish I was built more the way they are. But I still cry myself to sleep every night (if I sleep at all which is rare) and I bawl half of each day as well. I so wish I could move forward, but my heart and soul don’t seem ready to do so. I really believed I was doing things right by my relationship all these years and I really thought we had certain understandings about our shared life. I think she changed quite drastically over the last three or four years especially. And I probably didn’t change enough maybe—I dunno. All I know is that I feel the way I feel and that can best be described as deeply despairing. It isn’t the bad times that trouble me—to my mind they were few and far between—it’s the surplus of good memories accumulated over thirty-eight years that bring me to my knees on a daily basis. I don’t expect my friends to fully understand; and I hope they never have to go through what I’m going through to gain such understanding. I still live, after four months, in a paralyzed state of disbelief. Not only is my personal life in shambles but, being so intertwined career wise, my professional life is being destroyed and I have big fears surrounding livelihood moving forward at this age where everyone I know is comfortably retiring. I have to somehow reinvent myself as a solo entity. But right now it has been four months since I’ve even heard that lovely voice. I’ve been blocked me on phone and all social media. I haven’t even been given passwords to access my own “author” accounts on Amazon and iTunes. It has not only been the most painful time, it has also been so stressful that I have had my finger on the keypad of my iPhone poised to call myself an ambulance thinking I was having a heart attack or stroke at times. I know it sounds like hyperbole but it’s the truth. So I’m sorry if one thinks I came across as mean—that was certainly not my intention. I am hurt and I am terribly lonely. The last thing I wanted or needed to do was to alienate friends whom I need so desperately now more than ever. I can only hope that others understand that.
To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree point of the Sabian Symbol may at times be one degree higher than the one listed here. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°, for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period.
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