Sagittarius 15° (December 7)

Turkey cheese roll up and that’s it. Met with one of the board members of Provincetown Theater, was productive. Did spend the morning corresponding with Dom and Nan. I sit here trying to write something meaningful or inspiring. Or to at least use the space for the productive purpose of a launching pad for things I need to write anyway, but I just end up trying to deconstruct my feelings on this date from a distant point in the future. One would think I would feel worlds better by now but really nothing has changed emotionally in the in between times, except that maybe, just maybe I am less in shock than I was on this day. I think I spent a great length of time in shock. And probably, looking back on where I am now from a further date in the future I will also see that I still am. And there is nothing for it. There is nothing I can say or do. I am still falling asleep with Friends playing on a loop, just so that I have familiar voices around me. I am definitely more angry now and feeling justified in certain things. I was blamed for being angry much of the time but so much of my anger was due to the fact that there was inequality in the shared work/domestic space and what I will come to learn is that it doesn’t change. If anything it is far worse than I ever imagined. At least now there are witnesses. I tend to power through my to-do list and I always accomplished a great many things in a given day, all of which were bent on further shared success. I had grown increasingly resentful that for others the day consisted mainly of variations on a spa treatment theme. Also it becomes clearer and clearer that this was all worked out very carefully in advance over the course of many months, perhaps even a year or more. The whole “the crime must fit the punishment” routine. And though I might be incredibly volatile and times and terrible and tempering my emotions, I have never been a cold a calculated character. It just isn’t me. All that calculation went way back I now realize, as in the course of the unfolding of financial facts I will learn that not only did one abscond with shared life savings, but one was using it for personal purposes the entire time. I was always completely trusting when it came to money and never once in a million years would imagine someone dipping in and out of said savings. Because it is surely something I would never myself do. Also no matter what the circumstance I would have never in a million years destroyed life-long friendships with people that have meant so much. I seem to be blamed for doing so myself but I really cannot accept that. Again, I would have never imagined how cool and calculating a person could be. I don’t have it in my to ruin someone else, especially if I knew that someone else was otherwise quite alone in the world. Don’t get me wrong: I was an asshole in oh-so many ways, and I did and said things I will regret for the rest of my life. But it really does take two to tango and instead of hashing it all out, I was given an increasing amount of rope with which to be hanged. At least this day will end without my feeling totally crazy and getting some support for the less than few and distant friends I have that, yeah, it’s all pretty fucked up really. It will take me so, so long to live things down; and I will have to reinvent myself utterly to survive. It’s a go big or go home (to my maker) type of situation. On top of which all I will do is worry about money.

To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Cosmic Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree point of the Sabian Symbol may at times be one degree higher than the one listed here. The Blague portrays the starting degree of for this day ( 0°,  for instance), as I typically post in the morning, while the Sabian number corresponds to the end point (1°) of that same 0°-1° period. 

Typos happen. I don’t have a proofreader. And I like to just write, post and go! Copyright 2021 Wheel Atelier Inc. All Rights Reserved. Get your HAUTE ASTROLOGY 2021 Weekly Horoscope ebooks by Starsky + Cox.