Libra 14° (October 7)

I was really looking forward to going to this art gala thing last night but I feel depressed now the day after. I was a bit sideswiped by my host asking me about an incident that occured a year ago at the restaurant owned by another guest. And I felt hijacked and really put on the spot. Then the person to my left bumped me and spilled red wine all over my trousers; and then another one of the drunken people at my table picked at the string label of my Margiela jacket while I was midstream at the urinal. People were just so drunk and unruly and I felt unsafe during the evening. We managed to leave early and just did a French exit. Yesterday, too, Kavanaugh was confirmed so the day already felt lousy. And I cannot kick this stupid cold I still have. Added to which, it seems so many of our efforts have been falling on dead ears. I’m so tired of the ambushes, the lion’s dens, the garden paths I’m led up. The users and the overpromisers, all in all, the malignant narcissists (aka same old tune). Hell really does feel like others now and I am making a giant about-face right now and putting putting focus firmly on myself. I agreed to be the non-profit agent of a tour the work of which was meant to be all about putting that tour together and the writing of releases and promotional materials and all such things as goes along with that. What I didn’t sign up for are the countless hours that have to go into the fulfilling of the grant admin itself. I have to write letters to my state representatives even.

I am an artist not an administrator and I really need to start valuing that. There is an argument for writing when you feel like it. But I like the exercise of the daily thing, even if I go months without anything earth-shattering to seay. For me it’s about facility more than anything else. And luckily I am just about an hour away from getting some serious creative thoughts I need for my book writing and my creative life down onto paper. This also serves as a giant to-do list. And I pride myself on knocking things off my list as best I can. I did talk to David Drake about performing the Tru piece. Whatever comes of it will come of it. And, more than anything, I am so ready to get my witch on. It is so frustrating—and I know it’s a universal experience of being human—but I’m really bent on closing the gap between the life I’m currently living and where I think it should be. I don’t see any reason why I can’t just now put all the pieces together. So that’s what I’m going to do. The one thing I can say about myself is I like myself. I’m not perfect nor do I want to be. But I am kind and if I’m bound to hurt anyone, it’s typically myself. But I’m done with it I really am.

I am older and I’m nobody’s famous offspring. But I have done a great many things of which I am proud. Do I regret that they have in large part not been sustainable. Maybe. But I chalk that up to the fact that I don’t have heavy enough a dose of narcissism, I really do. I have put a lot of work into ideas that others can invest in. And as someone who has always invested in others it truly is time for me to get a little love back for all we put out there. It really only feels fair at this point. There is no guarantee I realize; but if those who’ve made promises, unsolicited, don’t materialize at this juncture, it saddens me to say that it will change some things for me, sadly. I have to put my head down and power through one way or the other. And perhaps I need to get my brain around living, once again, frugally on surprise. I’m always happiest doing for myself in any case.

In other news, I think I have a herniated disk in my neck. And this two week old cough is not helping any. I cough so hard I almost black out. That cannot be good.

To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree of the Sabian Symbol may be higher than the one listed here  as the symbols cluminate in the next degree. There are 360  degrees spread over 365 days.

 Typos happen—I don’t have time or an intern to edit.*
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