Pisces 22° (March 13)
Had a full on talk in my sleep episode last night. Typically when I do so I am at a breaking point with a sibling, which was frequently the case growing up. I don’t quite remember that figure in last night’s dream but the setting was the same: suburban home of my youth in Wyckoff, New Jersey. I was ripping up books and trying to scream at someone (probably the same person as usual) but, you know how it is, my words were stuck inside the fabric of the dream and it was a strain to break through, which I did, apparently, as S. woke me up, my having woke her up with my gibberish noise.
I am full on into planet moves today and will nearly finish by day’s end . The remainder of the month will be a combination of rejigging (two hours a day) and casting the festival. Fundraising begins in April. I will catch up on all the petty finances too and then face into the astrological new year. That is the plan anyway, of which I will need constant reminding. Today was a miraculous day in that all has been signed and delivered. And no we wait. And because I don’t know what is coming and I will have a very challenging weekend-ish and due to the fact that there is a lot of emotion coming up, what with my mother’s birthday circling round and all that brings (up).
I guess i feel better about myself than I do about others in a sense. I mean I’m pretty much to going through the motions on my emotions. I can’t bear the thought of anyone dying, but I think I dealt with my parents’ deaths better than I have with others. I mean I lived in a time of many of people my aging falling away throughout the 1990s and to this day I can barely handle the thought. It kills me. I can feel some age-old turn-of-the-century feelings creeping back in but it is just a little pre-spring-fever action happening. The grand to-do list will grow as I tick, tick, tick, things off. That is the way life is working at this point in time. It is all coming together. And I need to get back to that experience of unfolding because (let’s face it) it’s been a good five years (can you believe it) since I really flowed with that energy. And I am feeling ill effects that are now screaming for healing.
Speaking of which, I am taking inventory of some outstanding relationships that need healing. Here is an example of some things I need(ed) to set straight. To dear so-and-so:
In the spirit of renewal on this first day of Spring I wanted to reach out to you because I’ve been nagged about what happened dating back to 2010.
As [we] had an acquaintanceship with you prior to your coming to the Prince Street loft that winter when we were working with [name redacted] it truly bothered me that our relationship got thrown under the bus.
I said it then and I’ll say it again now (not in any kind of grudge-y way but to punctuate the point that I’d like to start anew): Any financial deal that [name redacted]said we had at that time was a total lie. We agreed to work together on a one-off performance of a show and to share any ticket take 50% [name redacted]/50% us, which we did. The agreement was that if we wanted to move forward with the project together we would make a deal to do so
[name redacted] in effect “performed” for you that day at Prince Street, pretending that he was somehow vested beyond that one-off performance which he was not. And basically pitted you (as his representative) against us which then became a shake-down for some money owed him. We owed him absolute zero.
In the end I did throw at [name redacted] $250 (I think that was the amount) just to make the whole thing disappear. But in that process our (yours and our) relationship was shot. S. and I were COMPLETELY blameless in this and yet took the higher road and just paid [name redacted] (who I think was so broke at the time that it drove him to put on this act and basically extort money from us).
In the ensuing years I have brought [name redacted] into “the fold” of my festival work, staging a show he directed and including him as a reader in one of our artist’s pieces and otherwise have never said another word to [name redacted]on the subject. I have tried in vague terms to reach out to you in the years since but I feel I got scapegoated for the whole affair. I have to power in making you believe this truth but I reiterate that it is the absolute T.
I hope that your personal and professional life is going great guns. S. was pleased to see you (I believe) in Cambridge a couple years ago. I only felt that there was still this divide between us. I have forgiven [name redacted]in my heart for what he did in 2010 and I have compassion for whatever drove him to do what he did.
I hope that you receive this email in the spirit in which I am sending it.
To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree of the Sabian Symbol may be higher than the one listed here as the symbols cluminate in the next degree. There are 360 degrees spread over 365 days.
Typos happen—I don’t have time or an intern to edit.*
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