Cancer 25° (July 16)
It just takes a moment for things to go completely off. I was doing fine enough. But one false move and then everything goes kaput. I have to learn my lesson this time. I can’t keep making the same mistake over and over. It’s not a good look, and it puts me in deeper danger than I can rationalize. When I’m not in the correct state of mind I am simply too uninhibited to know what’s what. I feel for me I really do. There is a huge part of me that is, for lack of a better word, missing. And so I take scraps, but I realize that I might really be living out some trauma, or retraumatizing myself, to use modern vernacular.
I need to treat this vacation as a vacation. I think I need to really rest and recuperate and let myself be taken care of a little. Maybe something has finally switched in me for the better where I realize that I know longer process the same input as I did in the past. I am beginning to know what is detritus and not to repeat patterns on the them of that definition of insanity. I am not going to make things better this way. I have to keep my head screwed on straight if I’m to navigate my personal and professional life and this increasingly crazy world. Otherwise the proverbial they win. They are trying to wear us down. And we can’t let them.
All this while we watch our illegitimate president suck Putin’s cock on international TV.
I won’t get into it. I can’t get into it. Our leaders now have to step up and prove that we are stronger than this one man. Meanwhile, I have my own goals to achieve, my own battles to fight, only I’m not fighting. I am tired of speaking about myself and giving a daily account. Something has switched in me and I need to speak on more metaphorical and metaphysical a level. I must begin to achieve what I need to achieve and to sleep when I’m tired. I cannot keep coming up against the same obstacles—it’s not doing anybody any good. Especially me. I’m the one who truly suffers and I’m kind of sick of it.
And so I go to the beach and I walk three miles in sinking sand. I eat healthfully and sleep nine hours. I sit back at my computer and resolve to do better. I make my plans for the future with more than hope, but resolve The general atmosphere these past two years has trickled down, even to members of our so-called community. I see an uptick in selfish, venal, mercenary, self-aggrandizing behavior across the board to which most people have not been immune. There is the overt and there is the insidious. The result of feeling universally persecuted unfortunately results in fearful dog-eat-dogging. You are only a victim if you choose to be; and if you do, you are likely going to victimize others in the process. I choose kindness, increased compassion, community and, most of all, I choose forgiveness and Love.
To view the original Sabian Symbol themed 2015 Blague corresponding to this day: Flashback! The degree of the Sabian Symbol may be higher than the one listed here as the symbols culminate in the next degree. There are 360 degrees spread over 365 days.
Typos happen—I don’t have time or an intern to edit.*
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